me

I've Moved!

2011-08-18T17:39:00.000-07:00

I've decided to open a new blog. I liked it here for a few years, but now I need a change of scenery. A fresh start is always nice. If anyone cares to follow me, here is my new address. theheartscry All are welcome. :) And yes, I'm still The Blue Eyed Girl.

Random Thoughts

2011-08-10T20:35:00.000-07:00

You know, when I started blogging again I promised myself I would write more frequently but it doesn't always work out that way. Shahid is off tomorrow which is nice because I'll have the car and I can take Imaan to the beach. She loves it there, and hopefully I'll be able to let her play in the water this time because the last two times we went there no one was allowed to go swimming because rain the night before raised the pollution levels in the water too high Luckily Imaan is an easygoing baby and she was just as happy to play in the shower.

It's funny because the first time I took Imaan to the beach this year I was thinking "When was the last time I actually went to a beach"? Then I realized it was when I was in India, about four years ago. I'll never forget it because it was so surreal compared to the beaches in the U.S. There were people taking camel rides up and down the beach, and every now and then you would pass a dead sea turtle washed up on shore. There were vendors selling drinks and snacks and all the women were swimming in saris instead of bathing suits. There were also lots of small fishing boats.

    Now thinking about my India trip is bittersweet because I had such wonderful times there and now my friends and I are sadly out of touch these days. I miss my friends a lot. But thats a blog for another day.
     I was supposed to audition for Who Wants To Be A Millionaire tomorrow evening but Shahid has a job interview so I'm hopefully going to audition next Thursday instead. Shahid and I watch Millionaire everyday and I get a lot of the questions right so we thought it would be fun if I gave it a try. You have to pass a written test and have an interview as well. Millionaire is the only reason I haven't deleted my Facebook account, basically I'm being held prisoner there due to my addiction to that game. :) You can read my post about why I hate Facebook so much here.
     So far while I've been writing this post Imaan has woken up twice and I've had to stop and put her back to sleep. A mother's job is never done I guess.....

Bath Time is Finally Fun Time

2011-08-02T21:48:00.000-07:00

     Imaan has finally conquered her fear of the big bathtub. It was partly my fault she was afraid of it in the first place. You know, when babies are tiny, they are relatively easy to bathe, they just lie there and kicking their legs and flailing their arms a bit while you do the washing and shampooing. I remember thinking it was going to be so much fun to bathe her when she got a little bigger. I had the image in my head of the happy baby laughing and splashing up a storm, playing with floating rubber duckies. Boy, was I wrong.

     As soon as Imaan learned to stand up on her own, that's all she did in the bathtub. She refused to sit down. I tried gently pushing her back down but she rose right up again. She was big enough to go into the big tub at this point, but then I was afraid because the tub at my old house was that hard porcelain type. I was worried that if she got away from me or fell she would crack her head open. So it was well past her first birthday and Imaan was still having her baths in an infant tub, until my sister decided to give her a bath one night when she kept Imaan overnight for me so Shahid and I could have a rare night out. She was really surprised by Imaan's reaction!

     Apparently as soon as Amy tried to put Imaan in the tub she started crying. Amy tried to show her that the bath was fun, giving her the cool tub toys to play with, but Imaan would have none of it. I probably would have given up at this point, but Amy decided that Imaan needed to get used to this experience so she stuck her in the tub. According to Amy, Imaan was screeching like a drowning cat the whole time. Now, Imaan is a tiny girl, but she is very strong and grabbing onto Amy's shirt, she managed to pull herself up and even throw one leg over the side of the tub in a desperate attempt to escape. Hearing this story later I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Amy assured me that if I just did this everyday Imaan would eventually get used to it. Water torture for babies, I remember thinking and went back to my old method of bathing her. It was the pool that Amy bought for her kids that eventually solved Imaan's phobia about the bath.

     You see, Imaan loves her cousins, Tristan who is seven and Aidan who is six. She wants to do everything they do and when she saw them in the pool she was dying to go in too. She loved the pool, which surprised me, considering her reaction to an ordinary bathtub. Later that night I decided to try the tub in our new apartment, it is made of plastic, so I didn't feel so nervous about her getting hurt. Would you believe she went right in without any trepidation at all? It's funny because now everyday she asks for a bath, delighting in throwing all her toys in the water and splashing Mommy. She is so impatient to get in that I have to shut the bathroom door to let the tub fill because she will keep trying to climb in! I also found out it's a good way to distract her from throwing a tantrum. Yesterday she woke up very grouchy from her nap and asked to go outside. Since I hadn't changed her into a fresh diaper or given her anything to eat yet I told her "Later honey". She shrieked, threw down the ball she was holding and proceeded to screaming and crying. I ignored her for a minute or two and then I said "Want a bath". Instantly she stopped and smiled through her tears.
"Okay".

3 a.m. Eternal

2011-08-01T00:02:00.000-07:00

     It's 3am and I'm still awake. I'm tired but I don't want to sleep yet. Like I mentioned in my last post, late nights are the only time I get to myself these days. Which is pretty crazy because my daughter rarely sleeps past 6am no matter how much I try to coax her. I always regret it in the morning, but I am sure to repeat the cycle tomorrow.
     Glancing over at the cover of my people magazine, I am reminded of the recent death of Amy Winehouse. It's a shame such a great talent gone to waste. I'm sorry she's gone, sorry that her family and friends lost someone they cared about. But I feel disgust as well. Disgust that someone could continue to use drugs and alcohol so heavily when they were clearly slowly killing themselves. And I also feel disgusted that someone could continue to smoke two packs of cigarettes a day when they have been diagnosed with emphysema. Worse than anything is the fact that her family and close friends were begging her to get help for years, and she in answer wrote the song "Rehab". Here is a sample of the lyrics
"They tried to make me go to rehab I said no, no, no.
Yes I've been black and when I come back you'll know, know, know.
I ain't got time
And if my daddy thinks I'm fine
Just try and make me go to rehab I won't go, go, go." (Listen to it here)

'Nuff said on that subject.

     Back to my late nights, right now I'm sitting in the dark listening to the crickets chirping and other creatures which I can hear but cannot identify. Smelling the fresh air coming in through the open windows. Ever notice how lovely the air smells at this time? I sometimes forget when it's so hot outside during the day and the air is so heavy it almost chokes you. Now if I listen very carefully I can hear a different sound of the night, Shahid snoring away in the bedroom. It sounds terrible from here but somehow I manage to sleep through it every night.

     It's just starting to rain and now I'm finally feeling sleepy..... I guess its time to go to sleep. Good night everyone....

Where I'm At

2011-07-26T21:12:00.000-07:00

Back and forth I go with the blogging thing, I'm back for now, who knows how long I'll stay this time? Life gets in the way I guess. Shahid, Imaan, and I have moved to a new apartment in a new town. I like it here a lot better. It's a dead end street, nicer then our previous block where people would speed up and down all day, nerve wracking if you have a twenty month old who is apt to try and dash into the street at any given moment. The neighbors are nice and quiet too, at the old place I would often hear the people across the street and next door cursing each other. I like the landlords too, they mind their business and since we mind ours theres no drama whatsoever. There is a small park a few blocks away I can easily walk to so Imaan can play and really run around.

Here she is on the swing.

Having a snack.

    I do feel bored and lonely sometimes. I've been a stay at home Mom since February and while I know I am incredibly lucky to be able to do this right now, I feel like I have no life of my own anymore. Shahid and I share a car right now and since he works he usually has it. There are no close shops to walk to, so I feel isolated a lot of the time. I know this will change soon because we are planning to buy a second car before the end of the summer. I'll be so happy because its tough to be home bound. I stay up late at night because it's the only time I have to myself. I think a lot of Mom's must live like this. All day you take care of your kids, your husband comes home and you take care of him, then when they are both sleeping you have time to yourself. I sit up and read, watch a show I recorded on my dvr, or surf the net. I'm dying to have a day where I can get a pedicure, go to the salon, buy new clothes, get new glasses and contacts. Imaan broke my glasses in half so I had to mend them with crazy glue because I ran out of disposable contacts.

     Yeah, I'm kinda looking like a hot mess these days. Well it can't last, I'm sure things will improve, I just have to keep my head up.

The Way Too Social Network

2011-07-25T21:39:00.000-07:00

     I hate Facebook. There, I said it. I really really REALLY hate it!
Whew! That felt great............

     Why do I hate Facebook? First of all, I feel like I was forced to join. No, there wasn't a gun held up against my head. I was a happy member of Orkut for a few years. I was pretty crazy about Orkut, jumping on my computer as soon as I got home from work to read my latest scraps, (wall posts for you Facebook freaks) checking out friend requests, looking for interesting communities to join. I made a lot of friends there too. Then one day I noticed my friend Omar posted this little note "Facebook is better".

     That was the beginning of the end. Slowly all my friends started leaving Orkut. So I joined too so I could stay connected. But I never felt like I was having as much fun as I did with Orkut. There is way too much random crap on Facebook. I don't like that when I open my home page I have to read that Alison and Jessica shared a link or Cynthia liked Carlos B's video. Who cares? Not me. But I suppose a lot of people do care, especially the ones who who post something like this to their walls "Just got home from work, super tired...." Or "Just made a great cup of coffee!" Or even "Man I gotta pee!" Just kidding on that last one, but you get the idea. I don't care about Farmville, and I've got no urge to "poke" anyone. As for friend requests, I have to laugh when people I went to high school or college with that I never liked, never hung out with, or I remember them actively disliking me sending a friend request. What for? I just don't get it.

     I have to admit there is one thing I like on Facebook, but at the same time it's totally ruined for me. I love "Who Wants to be A Millionaire", and while I was on the Millionaire website I noticed there was a link to the Facebook version. It's actually a lot of fun, you play live with other people and the questions are pretty challenging. I got hooked pretty quick and then when I tried to play more games they asked me for Facebook credits to continue playing! You get one free game a night and then you have to pay??

Those bastards.

     I'm not going to let Facebook ruin the social networking thing for me. I just read an article about The Google+ Project and I think it might be the kind of site I'm looking for. What I really like is the "Circles" idea. Basically you take different groups of people in your life and assign them to different groups, like friends, co-workers, family. Just like in our real lives. So you can share certain information with your family Circle and different things with your co-worker Circle. You have more privacy that way. You can take the Google+ tour here. I signed up already I'm just waiting for them to open it up for everyone. Hopefully I'll like it there, I'll keep you posted....

Tiny But Mighty

2011-02-01T19:53:00.000-08:00

Since I have not kept up on my blog regularly in such a long time I thought I would use this opportunity to introduce everybody to my daughter Imaan. She's 15 months old right now, and I'm using her favorite TV show "Ni Hao, Kai-Lan" to keep her busy so I can hopefully finish this post. We'll see what happens....
Imaan was tiny but mighty from birth. She was only 5.4 lbs (2.4 kilos) at birth and now she is only 17.8 (8.1). I remember being shocked at her size when I first saw her in the delivery room. But she was a strong girl from the beginning. The nurses were impressed with how alert she was right away, a lot of C- section babies are groggy for a while because they have it easy, just getting taken out rather then going through all the pressures of going through a natural delivery.

Here she is with her Daddy when she was a few months old.

     The thing with Imaan is, she's a very picky eater. She doesn't like most foods I give her. Her Doctor told me to give her ice cream every day to put a little more fat on her bones. Sounds like a dream diet right? Imaan won't eat ice cream, I think it's too cold for her, she just spits it out and yells at me when I try to feed it to her. She likes yogurt, oatmeal with fruit, and pediasure. Shahid is always trying to get her to eat rice, she will take a few bites and that's it, shes done. I go through periods of time when I get really worried and wonder if there is something wrong with her, but then again her health is excellent, and developmentally she has always been ahead of other babies in her age group.
     Imaan stood up on her own at seven months old, and was fully walking at eight months. It looked really funny to see this tiny girl wandering around the house! And she loved to walk, she would just march all over the house, almost never sitting still. Of course she was burning off precious calories the whole time. I remember when she was ten months old and we took her for her first pair of Stride Rite shoes, Imaan was running all over the shoe store and customers were gawking at her, shocked to see such a tiny baby running around.
     Imaan is also very smart. Shahid told me when she was first born that he could tell she was very intelligent because of her ears. I had never heard anyone say that before but now I think maybe it is something Pakistani and Indian people say because a few Indian friends of mine have made the same comment. She loves books, if I'm not reading to her she will just sit on the floor with a book and flip through it. And if you sit with her she will point at the pictures and tell you about them in her baby language. She is not speaking a lot of real words yet, just lots of baby talk. I speak to her in English and Shahid speaks to her in Urdu, and she understands both of us perfectly. We're curious to see what happens next with her language skills, it is our hope that she will speak both languages equally well.
     Well, I think that's enough "proud parent posting" for now. I don't want to be one of those moms who just blabs about her kid all day. :) Although I'm sure in the future I'll have some funny stories about Imaan and her adventures. Take care guys.

Orkut, It's Been A Long Time....

2011-01-29T19:50:00.000-08:00

     It's because of Steve I ended up writing this post. I used to be crazy about Orkut, the way most of the world is about Facebook today I suppose. I joined it in the first place because my friend Amir in Iran sent me the invite. I wish I never deleted my account, because like Steve wrote, lots of memories stored in there. I started thinking about the friends I made in Orkut, most of whom I've been sadly out of touch with. It's my fault mostly. Life in front of us tends to get busy and it's easy to to say "Oh, I'll try and chat tomorrow", "I'll send an email next week.

     Joining Orkut changed my life in many ways. Not just because I made new friends in different countries. Most of what I knew (or thought I knew) about those countries I learned from watching the news, or just common stereotypical thinking many Americans like myself are raised with. I ended up traveling to India to meet some Orkut friends and I had a great time. As a matter of fact, I met Steve while I was there,( unfortunately it was only for about five minutes). God, now I'm remembering so many things about my trip there I'm getting teary eyed......
    Have you ever missed everybody all at once?
Thanks for the memories Orkut.....it's been a long time....

An Open Letter To God

2008-10-31T09:20:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

I got the idea to write you a letter when I recently reread the book “The Color Purple”, but I think You already may know that. I have been told that You see and know everything that happens to everyone, and although I could never imagine how You do that, I guess that’s just one of the many powers You possess. I’ve been thinking a great deal about religion lately, and the fact that I don’t officially subscribe to a a particular one sometimes makes me worry if this disappoints or angers You. I’ve always felt this way somewhat, but have been thinking about it more and more lately, especially since I’m going to be spending the rest of my life with my boyfriend who happens to be a Muslim. We’ve already decided that our children will also be Muslims, and as a Christian and fellow “Person of the Book”, this is of course acceptable, but what about me? It’s not necessary for me to convert, but I keep wondering if this is the right decision to make. Because you see Sir, (is it proper to call you Sir?) I don’t want to make a promise to You that I will follow Islam, because I have tried a few religions already and never stuck to any of them, and I don’t want to repeat the same pattern. I would like to please my boyfriend Shahid by telling him “Honey, I would like to convert”, but I don’t want to hurt yours and his feelings by making such a promise and breaking it. That is what worries me. Again, I’m sure You already know about all my efforts to follow certain religions, but since this is an open letter that others will read, I will refresh Your memory.

As You already know, as an infant I was baptized a Lutheran. As a little girl my family attended church every Sunday until sometime after the birth of my little brother Brian, when we stopped going. Then when I was in 8^th grade, I was attending a Catholic school when my Father decided that we should all become Catholics, so I took an after-school religious instruction class about Catholicism and was confirmed with the rest of my class in church later that year. Unfortunately, our attendance at St. Martin’s was no better then when we belonged to our previous church, and soon we only went on holiday’s, later not at all.

For a while I didn’t really think about religion, although I never forgot about You. For a while I tried praying every night, but it didn’t last of course. I read the Tao of Pooh, and although I really liked the concepts of Taoism, I thought it sounded like too much work. Later on I read about Buddhism and was again quite impressed and even though I admire the Dalai Lama very much, I knew there was no way I would keep succeed in following Buddhism properly either. I tried to make a plan to meditate everyday but anyone reading this will already be able to guess that this plan fell through also. So after this, I decided that I would never follow an organized religion again because I supposed that I just wasn’t cut out for it, and it was only recently I started to experience those familiar “should I try again” pangs.

Living with Shahid the last couple of months I have been thinking a lot about Islam. He bought me a Koran, and I have “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Islam”. I think it is a very good religion, but I don’t consider it superior to any other. I have respect for people of all religions because, after all, they are all praying to you, they just do it differently. Like I said before, I would like to say I will convert to Islam, but will I really follow through this time? I tried fasting for two days to see what it was like and while I succeeded at it, the whole time I felt like a whiney child crying for a cup of coffee. I know I could not do that for a while month straight, although I really liked opening the fast because I liked that I was sharing something special with my boyfriend and that made me feel good inside. I certainly would not be able to promise that I will pray five times a day, when I couldn’t keep a promise to do it once a day before. But do I really have to do these things to be considered a true Muslim? Shahid doesn’t even do these things, and he was born a Muslim. What makes someone religious anyway?

I know people who consider themselves followers of certain religions, but I don’t consider them to be worthy of example. My Grandmother always considered herself a very good Lutheran but she stole from the school she taught for and tried to bribe me into going to church with her every Sunday by saying she would buy me a car. I know people who converted to Islam and then decided that they were superior to other people whilst being so ashamed of their past lives that they denied knowing people who knew them back then. But they believe that they are very good Muslims because they fast during Ramadan and pray five times a day. It really makes me wonder what You think of such things. How I wish I knew!

I feel that this letter has left me with more questions than answers. The bottom line is this; if I decide to convert, and I already know that I will not follow Islam so perfectly, how will I be considered a true Muslim? Although Shahid is not a strict Muslim, he was born one, so he has no such issues. Is it correct to convert and say “I’m a Muslim” and then have someone say “Ah ha, but do you pray five times daily, did you fast” and when I reply no won’t they say “Then how can you say you converted”? I know there are people in Shahid’s life who would love to hear that I converted, and who think I should, and in a childish way that knowledge keeps me from converting also because I don’t want them to say gleefully ‘Oh, I knew she would do that” or “She’s a good girl to convert, now I consider her a sister”. I don’t need that kind of validation from those people, I’m not trying to impress or prove anything to anyone. And if I did convert, I would not consider giving up celebrating Christmas. The holidays have always been one of my favorite times of year. So will I be considered a true Muslim?

Do I have to pick a religion to please You, or is the knowledge that I believe in You and put so much thought towards Your feelings that You are already satisfied? I don’t know where to find that answer. But one promise that I will make You that I will never break, is that I will continue to think about these things. Hopefully soon we will both have our answer. Thank you for listening.

Love,

Jennifer

2008-03-20T19:10:00.000-07:00

I miss my friend.....

Haunted

2008-03-18T10:32:00.000-07:00

****Warning: This is a whiny crybaby post, if you are not in the mood for that, skip down to the next one*****

Sometimes I really wonder about myself. The kind of person I am, the things I say..........I think I should learn to keep things to myself more, my big mouth and my need to say what I'm thinking have gotten me into trouble more times then I can say or damaged a friendship that means the world to me. Sometimes I hold things inside for a while because I know it will cause a problem, or hurt or piss someone off. But after a while I get tired of keeping secrets because those thoughts gnaw at me, I hear those thoughts whispering in my ear until I can no longer bear it. Sometimes it's a good thing, but more often than not it blows up in my face. I wonder if I am really a bad person inside? I think it could be true, I can be a bitch, I hold grudges, I give into petty jealousies, I am selfish at times. I suppose we could all write such a post on a day such as this, dark and depressing, the rain streaming down the window and flooding the streets. What is it about the rainy days that make me more prone to self loathing? I am just wallowing in the aftermath of my own stupidity, wondering how I've managed to do it yet again. Waiting for the phone call or email, being now to proud to pick up the phone whose ring is acknowledged less and less these days. Do all good friendships eventually fizzle out? Does one friend grow tired of the other first and start distancing himself? Or does life just get more busy sometimes, so much going on in life theres less time? Is it just a bump in the road of friendship? Seems more like a big pothole. I'm so confused these days trying to figure things out, all these thoughts and feelings jumbled inside my head. I wonder about the choices I've made. I guess Poe said it best:

"Can you tell me where I am
Won't you say something
I need to get my bearings
I'm lost
And the shadows keep on changing
And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head"

No Car, No Problem

2008-03-18T08:23:00.000-07:00

I have to say I love not having a car anymore. In the past two and a half months I'v lived in Queens I've become quite accustomed to the NY transit system. Every morning I hop on the F Train, put my feet up, and sip my coffee while someone else does the driving. No traffic, no searching in vain for a parking spot. Love it. I admit to being a bit spoiled, because I work the 4 am shift, I usually get an empty subway car, save for the random drunks and homeless people, but usually they are fast asleep. When I go out at night, I'm horrerfied by the crush of people smashed into the cars. There's barely a free pole to hold onto, and although at every stop people get off seems like twice as many get on. I'm so glad I don't have to face that on a daily basis.

The best part about not having a car anymore is that I get so much more exercise. I believe having a car makes the best of us a bit lazy. I got my first car when I was eighteen and it was only when I got rid of it a few months ago that I realized there have been so many places I could have easily walked to that I'd become accustomed to driving to instead. A cup of coffee, groceries, a pedicure. All those things used to require a car. Now I just walk there or jump on the train. To challenge myself I force myself to walk even more than I have to. Every morning I walk 12 city blocks to the F train, bypassing the bus and the local 7 train that could bring me there in a matter of minutes. After I get off the train, I walk twenty minutes to my job, even though I walk past several bus stops that could get me there in half the time. Health-wise it's defintely paid off for me, I've lost more weight and feel healthier than ever. I really do encourage anyone reading this post to just get out and walk more. That coffee shop is only a few blocks away. Walk there. Do you really need to drive ten minutes to save ten? Walk for twenty minutes. You'll feel great.

2008-02-27T15:46:00.000-08:00

My Dear friends,

Sorry I was away for so long, it wasn't very nice of me to stay away for so long with no word. I was not only silent in my blog but very quiet online altogether as well. Why do you ask? I don't really know. It's not that I care about my friends less or don't wish you guys to be part of my life anymore. It's almost like I needed a break of some kind in order to pursue something else in my life. As many of you who know me solely from faithfully reading my blogs or from our friendships outside of this space I have long been searching for love and a relationship with a definite future. Security. Love everlasting. I've for so long yearned to have a relationship which is moving forward towards the goal of marriage and children. That is what I have been focusing my attentions on whilst I've been away. Building a lasting loving relationship is never easy. Love, no matter how quickly it is realized is always riddled with challenges. Obstacles which need to be overcome, especially when two people from totally different cultures fall for each other. No matter how "Americanized" someone from another country may seem, deep in their heart they are still the child of that country, with certain beliefs and ways of thinking. And no matter how "Open minded" to different cultures the other person believes she is, she too has her own beliefs and expectations. If two people are meant to be together, they will be, but they still have to work extra hard in order to find that middle ground where both will feel satisfied. Factor in meddling friends and nasty ex girlfriends and things are ever tougher. I'm happy to report that throughout all the struggles and the tears, this relationship seems to be heading right where I wish. "Think about moving in together" was the latest thing I've been asked and I am thinking seriously about it. I'm strongly leaning towards yes.

Besides this, I have made some other lovely friends in my life. My room-mate/friend Nausheen and I have become very close, sharing dvd's, cds, sugar, milk, eggs. Going out on the weekends to dinner, movies, getting our eyebrows threaded. Laughing as we trekked all over the lower east side of Manhattan looking for a movie theatre that doesn't seem to exist. And I also made a new friend in Tracie, one of the artists who works in my store. We mostly hang out on Thursday's at this little bar in Alphabet City bitching about work, and trading stories about our pasts over a few rounds. It's a fun way to spend a few hours.

Well friends I managed to catch you up a bit on my life. I promise to not stay away so long again. And now its time for me to catch up with you guys......

Your friend,

blue eyed girl

Night of the Meek...A Christmas Story

2007-12-23T12:37:00.000-08:00

The following story is an account of one of my favorite episodes of the Twilight Zone.
Henry Corwin is an unemployed alcoholic who once a year dons a Santa Claus suit and patiently listens to the Christmas wishes of small children who believe him to be the bearer of wonderful gifts. Henry, who lives in a tenement neighborhood filled with children of poverty finds himself disenchanted with the attitude of Christmas shoppers who do not realize there is more to Christmas then the simply pushing through the aisles of department store and spending money so frivolously when there are so many people in the world who have nothing. His empty life coupled with the the wistful longings of the poor children in his neighborhood who ask him for toys, and “please Santa, a new job for my Daddy” makes him wish that just for one Christmas that he could see “Some of the hopeless ones, and the dreamless ones just for one night, see the meek inherit the earth”. Much to his surprise, this year his wish comes true.

While walking dejectedly down the street after being fired from his department store Santa job, he hears the sound of sleigh bells, and comes upon a mysterious sack which at first appears to be filled with tin cans, and then magically is filled with gifts. Special gifts, which are later to be revealed as the heart's desire of anyone whose path Henry crosses that night. Joyfully he strides through his neighborhood happily giving every man, woman and child whatever it is they wish. At the stroke of midnight, the last gift is given out and the sack is now empty. A good friend of his whom was lucky to have received his heart's desire of a new pipe and smoking jacket comments to Henry “Nothing for you this Christmas, not a thing”. Henry’s reply is “Oh I can’t think of anything I want, I think I’ve had the nicest Christmas since the beginning of time being the biggest gift giver who ever lived…..although if I could have just one wish, I’d wish I could do this every year”.

A few minutes later as he is walking home he comes upon a sleigh, with eight reindeer waiting for him, along with an elf who is very pleased to see him. "Well Santa, I've been waiting quite a while for you, we have a lot of work to do for next Christmas, shall we go"? Henry's own hearts desire is then fulfilled as he hops into his sleigh and rides off into the night sky, knowing that he indeed will get to be the biggest gift giver that ever lived every year. What I love about this story is the reward given to Henry for being truly selfless, finding joy and fulfillment in simply making others happy. To me, this should always be the true message of Christmas, it is not about what we will get this year, but what we give to others, and the happiness it gives us.

2007-12-18T09:39:00.000-08:00

Hey my dear friends....sorry I have been away and unable to keep up with your blogs...I am in my new place but we unfortunately do not have internet yet....hopefully sometime this week I will be back online and able to use the net at my leisure....I know I have a lot of reading to catch up on with all of you! Hope to see you guys soon! :)

Finding Myself Again....

2007-12-10T04:14:00.000-08:00

Recently I realized I had lost myself in a way. Talking to Amit the other day he made a good point that had me thinking for a while. "Jen, lately all you think about is Shahid Shahid Shahid and apartment apartment apartment". And he's absolutely right. My mind has been totally preoccupied whilst I have been neglecting other things in my life that have always been so important such as:
1. Keeping in touch with friends.
2. Working on my novel
3.The Gym and healthy eating plan
4. Blogging and reading my blogger friends posts.
In many other conversations he had also pointed out that I have not been proactive enough in pursuing new friendships at work. Well, I have found a few people I really like and want to be closer friends with, but I in my own defense I must say that living on Long Island and hanging out with friends in Queens and Manhattan is not so convenient on a Saturday night when I have to take the train back and forth and wake up the next day at 3am for work. But Amit's pretty much right, ( now you know he has a BIG smile on his face reading THAT statement, such an ARIES!) he usually is, close friends are always the ones who see things in our lives that we ourselves do not. The fact of the matter is this; I need to find myself again, I need to get back on track, and now is the time to do it.
The good news is I have found a new place to live. Yes, the life long Long Island Girl is about to become a resident of Queens. It's a roommate situation, a lady from the former Yugoslavia and a younger girl from Pakistan will be my new roomies. Plus three cats. Should be interesting, a mix of very different cultures under one roof, sure do hope we all get along. I know I'll be putting my best foot forward, and I hope they have resolved to do the same. The subway is close by, and the girl who bought her first car at age 18 is now going to officially become a strap hanger like so many other New Yorkers. With gas prices as they are and monthly insurance payments on top of that, the $2 subway and bus fare is going to make a big difference in my bank account. Did I mention my rent is $50 cheaper also?
There is a gym close by to my new place too, so this week I'll be back on my regular exercise schedule, and healthy eating plan. Not that I've been eating sooo much bad stuff, but I had actually been skipping meals here and there to compensate for not working out regularly, which is a bad idea. I'll be close enough to new friends to hang out after work, and being further away from Shahid I'll be able to put our relationship more in perspective. I think it will be healthier for both of us, and the point is this, if our relationship can flourish being a bit further away from each other, and we're meant to be together, we will. As much as we want things in our life, we cannot force them to happen, they must progress naturally. I'm learning a lot of valuable lessons these days I suppose.
With all the changes going on in my life, I can't wait to see what happens next.

Apartment Hunting By The 7 Train

2007-12-04T04:54:00.000-08:00

Apartment hunting in New York in the month of December is not fun. I spent five hours yesterday wandering around Jackson Heights with bitter cold wind whipping me in the face, warming up briefly only when I reached my destinations, ducked into a cafe for a hot chocolate, or jumping on the 7 train. Riding the 7 train itself is a great way to see the mix of cultures that New York is famous for. People of every description and ethnicity are there, holding on for balance as the train rumbles along, jerking to a stop every few streets. Each stop itself brings you to a new neighborhood dominated by a certain culture. I had four places to look at yesterday, all located within walking distance of the 7 train. As someone who is going to ditch her car when she moves to Queens, the walk to the subway is definitely something to consider. I work the 4am shift and I don't want to have a 20 minute walk to the train, as buses don't run reliably until around 6 am. My first stop was 69th street. This seemed to be a mixed area, Spanish, Asian, and some South Asian. I found the first apartment on my list pretty easily, but I knew right away I would not be living there. Although my prospective roommate to be seemed like a nice person, I'd have to walk through his bedroom to get to my own, and also to get to the kitchen and bathroom. And the bedrooms didn't even have a regular door to shut between them, a sliding door and a big rug hanging from the ceiling was the only partition. I passed on this one. Back on the train my next stop is 82nd St. This is a Colombian area, peppered with bodegas and the smell of fried food. It was about a five block walk from the train, still freezing my butt off I stopped at a cafe for a hot chocolate which tasted like Heaven, warming up my insides a bit. When I reached the apartment I met Vanya, the lady who is renting the room out. She's an older lady from the former Yugoslavia, very chatty and told me tales of her cats escapades as they jumped on my lap and rubbed up against my legs. The bedroom she showed me was nice and big with a full sized bed. The apartment, although old, was spotlessly clean and no oder of cats whatsoever. This place I'd definitely consider. After another cold walk to the 7 train I got off at 74th and Roosevelt, my favorite place, "Little India". The smell of curry hangs in the air, and I realize I'm starving. I head to a little place I know that makes awesome chicken tikka and unashamedly wolf it down. Alas, the other two places I'm supposed to look at don't pan out, my follow up phone calls are not returned, so I head home. I'm supposed to hear back from Vanya tomorrow and see if she liked me, in the meantime I have another place to see tomorrow, wish me luck I find a place soon!

7 Random Facts About ME.......

2007-11-27T17:13:00.000-08:00

Tags, Tags, Tags! Here we go again. This one is for Sameera. Seven random and possibly little known facts about me.

1. I always make fun of tabloidy (like my made up word?) magazines but I secretly love to read People.

2. I sometimes feel jealous when I see people who seem to get things in life very easily while I have to fight so hard for those very things.

3. Although I really want to get settled down and have a family, I also would love to join the Peace Corps and be sent to some remote village in a country on the other side of the world teaching people English or helping to dig wells.

4. When I was four years old I followed a neighbors cat through a hole in a fence and ended up wandering around on the side of a busy street and was found by two teenage girls on their bikes who brought me to the police station because I didn't know where I lived or how to get back to that fence.

5. I always starve myself the day I have a dentist appointment because I have such a bad gag reflex I'm terrified that one day I will throw up on my dentist!

6. I often have this fear that I will forever be on the verge of something wonderful happening without it actually ever coming to light.

7. Although I'm supposedly grown up, I love to search You Tube for old video clips of my favorite childhood TV shows like Sesame Street or the Muppet Show, and I laugh out loud every time!

2007-11-27T06:04:00.000-08:00

These days my life feels like a complete disarray. My job is crazy busy with lots of stress, I'm trying to find a new place to live, nothing is going the way I'd like it to. I find myself once again treading water wondering what the next step is. I'm tired of hoping for the best, wishing for something more, and most of all being patient waiting for others decisions. How can I be so positive about what I want and not be able to find that trait in someone else? On one hand I'm wanted to stay here on Long Island nearby to someone who doesn't want me to be far from him. On the other hand, the word commitment is not quite ready to be uttered, although it's clear that I'm the only person in their romantic life, and its expected that its the same for me, which it is. I don't want to go, I want to stay close by, but I also feel that it's unfair for me to stay without a firm commitment, what if I don't get it and I'm stuck here unhappy? What if I go away and lose something wonderful? As I continue the apartment hunt I keep hoping that something will suddenly click and I'll hear the words I long to here and I wont have to worry about my next move anymore because it won't only be my decision to make.......I feel like everything is unsettled and I don't like it at all!

My Blog Was Hatched!

2007-11-22T18:33:00.000-08:00

Lucky me received The Egel Nest Blog Award from Ashu! Thanks girlfriend, I consider it an honor from such an awesome Blogger as you. And now it is time to pass this award along. I have chosen:

Naresh

Gloria

Tatiana

You guys rock! :)

Thoughts of You

2007-11-15T19:33:00.000-08:00

Thoughts of you linger on my mind...The taste of your lips, your sweet caress...The way your voice sounds when you speak my name...Your frank way of expressing yourself...The random acts of kindness you so selflessly do for others..Your sweetness and charm....Your beautiful eyes looking deep into my soul....The scent of your cologne....The softness of your skin...How lovely you are indeed....

2007-11-15T19:23:00.000-08:00

http://www.amnestyusa.org/

FMORT... Five Minutes Of Random Thought

2007-11-13T14:25:00.000-08:00

Tagged again, this time it was Naresh. Well man, you know I can't pass up a Tag. This one is just as the title says, five minutes of random thought. OK its 6:55.....go!

Today I am missing someone very much, my dear friend, I wanted to call you today and tell you a funny story that I knew would make you laugh but I had to wait on that. I made Tarka Daal this morning, early while my Mom was getting ready for work. The whole house was alive with the aroma. Later when my Mom got home from work she told me that everyone at her job told her she smelled funny, like onions. I was laughing my ass off thinking of my poor Mom walking around smelling of Tarka Daal. She had to tell everyone that her crazy daughter was cooking "weird" Indian food again. She came home and immediately took a shower. Then when she got out guess what? The smell was back because I heated some up for my dinner! Well, I think my Daal was a failure, I had to "fix" it with salt and extra butter. But I know Shahid will tell me if its good or not. You see, he's very frank, he won't tell me my Daal is great if it's not. So I guess I'll know if I made it correctly when I see him later. Lets cross our fingers shall we?.... 7:00... Whew! Made it!

If you would like to see the cooking video I followed to make the Daal click here. Anyone reading this who would like to pick up the Tag please do!

Thoughtful Blog Reader Award

2007-11-13T13:56:00.001-08:00

Last week Sameera was kind enough to bestow this award on me. Thank you dear friend! And now it is time to pass the torch. My picks for Thoughtful Blog Readers are:

Thank you my lovely friends for your comments and friendship!

Beautiful Song!

2007-11-11T16:15:00.000-08:00

Keeping Secrets....

2007-11-11T14:28:00.000-08:00

I always prided myself on being able to "read" people. Usually I can. Countless times I've known something was wrong with a friend or family member even when they were trying to hide it. "You can always tell when something is bothering me" is a phrase I've heard numerous times. Lately though, I have serious doubts as to this skill of mine. I have a dear friend with whom I've always felt very close to. Every major event thats happened or decision I needed to make has been shared with this person. I've always thought this was mutual, a big part of friendship is indeed sharing when it comes to life's ups and downs. With the exception of one event which has been dealt with and put aside, I never questioned the face value of this friendship, always assuming that my friend felt as comfortable telling me about their life as I felt with them. Whenever I spoke of my friend, I'd always proudly speak of how I close I felt to this person, and how we talk about everything, and how I feel they are one of the few people in this world who know me best, and vice versa. Not long ago, I realized that I was completely wrong. And it hurts a lot.

Recently learning that my friend had been keeping something very big and important from me for the past several months has thrown me completely for a loop. At first I tried to shrug it off as bits and pieces came to light. Ok, no big deal....Then as I learned more, I felt the biting sting of hurt feelings surface. How could someone with whom I confide so much in keep so much from me for so long? How in the world did I completely miss it? What's wrong with me? Whats the matter with them? Were they so afraid of hurting my feelings? That's a valid question. Yes, perhaps the information would have hurt me back then, but better to risk hurting someone then be dishonest with them. The truth hurts sometimes. Everyone knows it. But I'll take the hurtful truth any day over deceit. I've always felt that true friends are the ones who will tell us the truth no matter how much they know it will hurt us......

I feel very sad today, because I am filled with doubt about this close friendship I counted on for so long. Someone who has been such a big part of my life, someone with whom I confided so much in, someone I have referred to as "one of my closest friends" hid something from me for such a long time. I'm really not angry, thats the funny part. I wish I was. I wish I could just scream and yell at this friend, but I can't. I'm just feeling very hurt, and very confused. How could I be so blind? How could I not sense it or see it?

I feel like such a fool...........

Where I'm At

2007-11-07T20:12:00.000-08:00

I kept meaning to post something, I kept meaning to catch up with all your blogs, but I've been so distracted last couple of weeks. Life gets in the way of good intentions it seems. Challenges at work and in my personal life. Work has been tough, learning the buying patterns and tastes of our new customers, trying to get my order down pat, everyday is a new headache trying to figure it all out. Despite that, I do love my new store, and I'm not sorry I left my old comfort zone. Sometimes we need to challenge ourselves, step outside the box and try something new. As a result I have become much more of a leader, and I think that's a good thing. I have never been much of a follower, but I have to admit I had gotten used to taking a backseat to others at my last store out of sheer boredom from having been doing the same thing day after day for the past seven and a half years. I'm definitely growing as a person here. :)

Personal life has also been a learning experience as of late. Met a wonderful guy from Lahore and our relationship went from 0-100 in two weeks. Learned how to make tea the Pakistani way, also chicken and goat with daal. Learned the hard way once again about the cultural clashes someone born in a country like Pakistan faces living far from home, one foot in two different worlds which do not always reconcile themselves. Traditional life back home which follows someone to their newly adopted country. How hard it is to balance these two worlds! I would say that I can't imagine it, but I can because some of the people I'm closest to in my life have similar struggles. It's tough that's for sure.

On a related topic, I've also learned the fallout from gossipy, nosey people who butt their way in to other peoples business and try to destroy their happiness. Whether it's done out of jealousy, spite, or a misguided sense of "helping" someone, the damage is perhaps more far reaching then they could ever realize. Hurting other's feelings and destroying burgeoning relationships is, quite simply, disgustingly mean and heartless. Where do they get off judging others? And why cause trouble in not one but two different relationships? Why cause sadness for others? They should simply mind their own business.

Here's where I'm at. Working towards the future and trying to stay positive. Wishing on a star, hoping for the best. That's all we can do isn't it?

2007-10-23T20:28:00.000-07:00

Hello my blogging friends! Sorry I have been preoccupied lately, will be catching up with your blogs starting tomorrow, missed you guys! Cheers!

Second Date

2007-10-23T19:48:00.000-07:00

Breakfast and the beach was only the beginning... My now boyfriend and I went out on our second date three days after our hours long breakfast date. Our plans included dinner at a Pakistani restaurant followed by a movie. Isn't it funny how sometimes the most unimpressive looking place can serve the yummiest food? I'd never eaten Pakistani food before and Shahid was excited for me to try everything. He ordered us a big platter of chicken, lamb, kabobs, and fried fish. Everything was soooo good, especially the fish! There were two different yogurt sauces to put on the meat if we wanted, "This one is probably too hot for you" he smilingly warned me as he poured it on his plate. "But it's my favorite" he said. "Ahha" said I and I smiled back at him and proceeded to put some on my own plate and dip some chicken into it and popped it into my mouth. It was not too hot and I took more. "Wow, you're the girl for me"! said Shahid with a big smile on his face. I ate so much, really it was so delicious. After stuffing ourselves it was time for the movie, I had picked The Darjeeling Limited, which I heard was really good. We took our seats and I noticed the theatre was nearly empty and most everyone there put their feet up on the seats in front of them. I did the same and had just turned to Shahid to suggest he do the same when I was shocked to see that not only did he put his feet up but he had removed his shoes also! My jaw dropped in surprise. "You took your shoes off"? I asked stupidly. "Yeah, why not, people sit there, I don't think I should put my shoes up there" he answered smiling. All I could see were his white socks glaring at me. "But you have to put your shoes on" I told him. I was mortified for a few minutes then I couldn't help but laugh, it was cute actually. And he did have a point that his socks were indeed cleaner then his shoes. But he put them back on to please me. The movie started a few minutes later, and I have to say it was really funny, we were cracking up the whole time. It also reminded me of how much I miss India and my friends....and how much I long to go back there. "You would love Pakistan too" Shahid whispered to me when I mentioned it to him. After the movie we went out for coffee and more conversation, and what a lovely follow up to a perfect first date it was indeed.........

Tu Bin Bataye.........

2007-10-23T19:46:00.000-07:00

Kuch to hua hai............... :)

2007-10-15T17:17:00.000-07:00

Enduring Friendship........

2007-10-11T19:03:00.000-07:00

Friendship is a very precious gift, especially when the bonds of that friendship are so tightly woven. Funny when you think of all the people who pass through our lives on a daily basis, how small is the chance that one of those random people will become such an important part of our lives. I do not make close friends easily, I don't know if its because I'm somewhat shy, or if its because I'm hesitant to let people in to my heart. (Except of course for my blogs) As my friend Debbie has told me, I'm great at being nice Jen who says hi and smiles at everyone, but its only a few special people I allow into my private world. Today I'm thinking of one friend in particular who has been a major part of my life for the past year. We met online, he and I, and quickly began chatting and scrapping in orkut, then graduated to long phone calls with all different topics of conversation from politics to past relationships. Meeting in real life and spending a week of fun in New York, it was nice to know we were as comfortable in person with each other as we were with our phones glued to our ears. I remember when he left I was wishing we lived in the same place so we could hang out like other friends do. Not that our relationship hasn't had its bumps in the road, there were disagreements and hurt feelings sometimes, things said or left unsaid that hurt each other at different points in our relationship. No friendship is without it's challenges, and sometimes the challenges faced are small or huge, but it is a test of the strength of a bond between two friends that is most telling, if a friendship can survive through the toughest of times, it is even more precious. When you have someone in your life you feel you can tell anything, and you know that if you were crying your eyes out at 3am and needed to hear words of encouragement, or if you just had a bad day and needed to talk about it that they would be there for you no question, you are truly blessed.

Lucky me, I have a friend like that. And I am fond of telling him how lucky I feel to have him for friend and he always says I am speaking the words that he should say to me, and that is only one of the reasons we have an enduring friendship that I will always treasure.....

Breakfast and the Beach

2007-10-09T12:27:00.000-07:00

Funny how the tides turn. Yesterday I was was feeling so depressed and lonely, today I'm feeling wonderful. I had a lovely breakfast date which lasted two and a half hours if you can believe it. So much talking and laughing until the waitresses started to shoot us looks that clearly said "Your time is up". But neither of us were ready to end it, so we drove down to my favorite beach and walked along the jetty still talking so much, and then sat for a while. The perfect date indeed is with someone you feel you can never get tired of talking to, someone who is a good listener and makes you laugh. A nice, no pressure, enjoying each others company time was spent with plans to see each other again. I'm not going to wonder and worry about the future, I'm going to go slowly, get to know him better, and look forward to whatever happens next.

2007-10-08T16:56:00.000-07:00

"You're worried about me aren't you"? I asked him.

Hesitantly my friend answered "Yes". Pause.

"Why you so worried"?

"I just want you to be happy".

"I know" I answered.

"I really do" he said softly.

"I know you do Sweetie". I answered thinking "I'm lucky to have such a good friend who cares about my happiness so much".

This conversation has to do with the fact that at this point in my life I have no boyfriend, fiance, husband, etc. And it's high time I was settling down, not only according to this dear friend of mine but just about every other friend in my life as well. I do agree of course, no one truly enjoys being alone. That ache you get when you see a happy couple walking hand in hand, watching a romantic scene on TV, finding out that someone you know just got engaged. You can be totally absorbed in something else when Bam! you are reminded that you are alone. In my own defense I can say with certainty that its hard to find The One. Sometimes when we find The One we can't always hold on to them, even when you have devoted over two years of your life only to lose them in the end. This from the girl who used to believe in fate, destiny, kismet whatever you wanna call it. It's funny how life forces us to learn our lessons the hard way. Or perhaps I was just born to do everything the hard way, it's my stubbornness, my wanting to be different, to not follow the crowd. Well why don't I just follow along for once in my life. Can't I be like everyone else? I've always striven to be Unique. Maybe that's been my biggest downfall....... A girl could surely go mad with all these thoughts in her head. Sometimes I really worry that friends are feeling sorry for me and I hate that feeling. The worse thing for me is to be pitied by anyone, especially friends. It's a wretched feeling.

At the end of the day, I am afraid of being left alone.

Screenshot Tagged!

2007-10-08T14:08:00.000-07:00

Here is my desktop shot as it appeared before I showed it to Jeevy who was amazed at the clutter of useless icons.......
He told me which ones could be deleted, resulting in this nice clean shot. :) Thanks Jeevy! :)

If you want to join in the fun, consider yourselves all Tagged!

The World is Watching.......

2007-10-07T19:22:00.000-07:00

You Know They Really Like You....

2007-10-06T17:24:00.000-07:00

This is what happens on your last day of work with friends who wish you weren't leaving......Hehehehee. When they wrap your car in plastic, it means they really don't want you to go!

2007-10-06T16:14:00.000-07:00

So far, I am enjoying my new beginning. Although there is not much work to do at the new store yet, I am getting to know my co-workers and new neighborhood I'll be working in. This store will be much different than the previous one. Here I will have about 150 co-workers instead of 40. I will have a small group of friends here, while many others will only be a familiar face, a name that I will have to read off their name tag. That will be weird, but I'll learn to adjust. I really like the neighborhood the store is located in. Forrest Hills is a lovely area of Queens, and there is a Dunkin' Donuts within walking distance which for me is one of the most important parts of my day, coffee time. :) The people who live in the neighborhood are pretty friendly and excited that we will be opening up at the end of the month. All day long people poke their heads in and inquire as to when our grand opening is. It's a great feeling to work for a company that is so highly regarded and eagerly anticipated by so many people.

I also thought I would hate the drive and my new schedule, but so far I am getting used to it. While it is still weird for me to wake up at 6 30 am instead of 3 am, the bonus is that I can squeeze going to the gym in before work. My drive in is also nice, because its not during rush hour, so I have clear roads all the way, and it only takes about a half hour. On the downside, I have learned that rush hour seems to begin as early as 3pm and linger until at least 7 pm, both of which result in my drive home being at least an hour, if not more. Being an impatient Taurus, you can imagine the frustration.

All in all everything is going well, now I am concentrating on finding the right apartment, working on my book, and hopefully will soon meet someone special. :)

2007-10-06T15:42:00.000-07:00

There are some of us who are blind. We don't see what's directly in front of us. We search and search, always looking past the truth. We so long for the next best thing, the shining light, what we believe is in our best interest, our heart's desire. We have an idea in our head what it is we are looking for, be it that certain job, ideal life partner. Whether its either of those things, when we have only a certain mindset, we may miss what's right in front of us. We overlook something wonderful while we idly chase what it is we think we want. Having an ideal in your mind is not a bad thing, as long as you don't blindly follow it. In the great scheme of things, in this crazy world, where we worry about the future and rush to get things accomplished so we will be on time, so we may please other's around us, so we can finally sigh in relief and say "I did it, I am right on schedule, now I am catching up with everyone else". Will we turn around one day and realize what we were looking for was right there along, jumping up and down in front of us waving to get our attention? How will we feel later when we realize what we missed? What if it's too late then?

This Old Bear

2007-10-03T16:38:00.000-07:00

I had almost forgotten about my old Teddy Bear. He's been packed away in a box for the past few years. Today when I was taking a break from apartment hunting I decided to go through some of my things and decide what to keep and what to get rid of before I move. I have so many useless things that once seemed important enough to save. Now I find myself musing over whether I should throw them all out or have a garage sale. Mostly its old figurines that gather dust too quickly and only succeed in cluttering the place up. Having lived with pack rats the past few years I've grown weary of collections of junk, my new space will be very spartan I've decided. The Bear was a surprise to me, being stuck in a box labeled "bathroom stuff". As soon as I picked him up I felt like a little girl again. He still had that same old musty, damp smell. I don't remember receiving this bear, but I was told it was given to me as a toddler, and it was my Fathers before I inherited it. So he is indeed an old bear. I'm sure he wasn't in the best shape when I first started carrying him around everywhere, but now he really looks ancient. He's bald in many different spots, and one of his ears is torn. His feet are peeling on the bottom, his back is flattened from years of lying on his back in my childhood bed. His face is clumsily stitched up with blue thread, I never was good at sewing. He was my constant companion as a child, I woke up every morning with him and fell asleep with him every night. When I hid in the closet, he hid with me, and when I had tea parties with all my dolls he was always the guest of honor. As I sat on my bed today holding my Teddy Bear, I knew I couldn't get rid of him. Maybe it's childish, holding onto the past this way. I think I could get rid of anything else in those boxes and never think twice about it. But I'm not ready to let go of my oldest friend.......At least not yet.

2007-10-01T17:43:00.000-07:00

Everything went well today. Ride in was smooth and uneventful, altho it took an hour. I really became spoiled having the roads almost entirely to myself at 3am. :) I met a lot of really nice people, and was happy to see some old friends. I have positive feelings about this new phase in my life, and now all I need is to find an apartment nearby and I will be all set. Thanks for your sweet comments everybody. :)

So Say Goodbye.......:(

2007-09-30T17:42:00.001-07:00

Today was my last day at the store I've worked in for the past seven and a half years. I've been looking forward to transferring to a brand new location for months, and now that the time has come, I find myself feeling conflicted. I will miss this place, and the people who have become my second family. As I readied myself for work this morning, my thoughts were so strangely random. So many "last times". Last time I stop for coffee at the Dunkin' Donuts where Tharma knows as soon as I walk in that its time for a large black coffee. The last time I write an order for my section, the last time I tease my friend Eric, the last time Michele and I discuss politics while we ready the store for opening. It's funny how a place could drive you so crazy at times, and yet you can be reluctant to go. I've been running my mouth on and on about how happy I am to get out of here, so sick of it all, and yet today I cried at the thought of not returning in the morning. Trepidation set in, now I must drive somewhere I'd never been before, so much further than I've ever driven before, in the city which makes me feel sick if you want to know the truth. I always have stuck to the subways in the city. I'll be meeting so many new people. Will I like them, will they like me? Will I be happy in this new atmosphere, or will I hate it and beg my former manager to take me back? Life is changing, and I'm moving out of my comfort zone. Next order of business, find nice roommates to share a place with, an affordable place in a decent neighborhood, always a challenge. There are so many thoughts and fears swirling through my head right now. I keep wondering, what was I thinking? I'm scared....I'm scared....On the plus side my friends Jason, Alma, Jose, and Andrew will be there.....I won't be entirely alone.....Well, tomorrow I must go...and so say Goodbye......

Submitted for Your Interpretation...

2007-09-28T18:46:00.000-07:00

This poster was recently hung up in workplace breakroom. Anyone have any thoughts on what the message is?

I'm Back.

2007-09-26T15:34:00.000-07:00

Hello my dear friends it's me again. I know I've been away for a while, but sometimes I just need a break from blogging. But I'm always eager to come back, because hey, I miss you guys! :) Let's see what have I been up to, well I took my first creative writing class last night, quite interesting, especially since I'm the youngest person in there! Everyone is in their fifties or higher! The oldest gentleman is easily in his seventies. Also I took my first kickboxing class last week. No, I'm not learning to fight, it's an excellent cardio workout. We learn all types of moves like uppercuts and roundhouses. It was so intense, the next day I could barely lift my legs higher than my knees. But I felt great too. On a more serious note, on Monday I decided to go to Columbia University to take some pictures of the protest I knew would be going on outside the campus gates. In case you missed it, the President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was invited to speak there, much to the anger and disgust of many people. I'll write about my experiences there later. Next week I'll be working in a new store, leaving my old friends behind. It will be a completely new experience for me, out of my comfort zone with all my daily routines. It will definitely be a challenge. On top of everything else I'm looking for a new apartment close to my store, and it's not an easy thing to do, especially when it comes to picking a good and trustworthy room-mate. Wish me luck guys! Well, I think that catches everyone up, and now I need to start catching up with you guys and see what you've been up to. :)

Tagged Once More!

2007-09-22T14:37:00.001-07:00

Seems I was meant to do this Tag. Jeevy suggested it a while back and I turned him down. Then Raaji Tagged me so here we go.

Here are the rules:

* You must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of their middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.

* When you are tagged you need to write your own blog-post containing your own middle name game facts.

* At the end of your blog-post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag.

* Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged.

My middle name is Eileen.

E is for Earnest. Websters Dictionary defines earnest as a serious and intent mental state. Lately all I do is think seriously about the future. I am determined to change things in my life and improve it, and there are many days I give myself tension headaches worrying about getting important goals in my life accomplished. But in order to accomplish these goals, I must be earnest, otherwise I shall fail.

I is for Impatient. OK, no surprise here. I know certain friends of mine are reading this right now smiling and nodding in agreement. What can I say, I am a Taurus, patience is not one of our virtues. I hate to wait for anything. Red lights, a friend's phone call, the bread to toast. I'm always on time and I want to scream when people I am waiting for are late. I pace, I complain, I sigh loudly, I suck my teeth. Yeah, impatient definitely defines me.

L is for Lady Day. Because many of you I'm sure do not know this, Lady Day is the nickname that was given to Billie Holiday, who just so happens to be my favorite singer of all time. Billie had a very painful and sad life, she had her heart broken many times not just by the men in her life, but by family and friends as well. She sang out her pain, and her voice was like no one else, nor do I think anyone could ever compare to her talent. When I feel sad or depressed, I listen to her, and I feel like she understands how I'm feeling.

E is for Earlybird. The Earlybird catches the worm is an expression many of us are familiar with. I awake at 3 am on workdays, and rarely am I up later than 7 on my weekends. I did not become an earlybird willingly, I was dragged there kicking and screaming by my job. I'd always been a night owl. However I could not live any other way again, it is the early mornings when I feel the most at peace with the world. The fresh smell of the air, the grass wet with dew, the empty highway stretched ahead of me. Hmmmm....love it.

E is for Earth Mother. An Earth Mother is a nurturing, mature woman. You do not have to have children in order to be an earth mother. Being the eldest child, I always had to be responsible for the rest of the kids in my family. Making dinner every night, babysitting, cleaning, etc. I also tend to become every ones big sister, a lot of my friends are younger than me and I know they feel like I will advise them and look out for them when they need me to. I'm also really good with children, and I know someday I'll make a really good Mom.

N is for Nerd. Yes, I admit to it fully. I am a huge nerd. Not the kind who dresses badly and has bad hair, but the kind who loves the History channel. The kind who is so transfixed watching a documentary on North Korea that I'll tell a friend who calls me during it that I'll call them back later, if I pick up the phone at all! I love to read, my favorite pastime is to curl up with a book and not move, save for too many cups of tea. It cracks me up when someone asks me what I'm reading and I say "The Autobiography of Malcolm X" and they give me this look like "Why"? My brother and I took an Anthropology class together a few years ago and "nerd" is something he used to teasingly call me regularly, as I always had my hand up with a question or a comment.

OK. Now for my Tag victims. Hehehehee! Well first I must Tag Steve since he hasn't been around much lately. :) Naresh, because I'm sure his will be interesting. Saraswathi of course. Also Ronak, Praveen, and Ashu. Cheers guys!

2007-09-17T18:05:00.000-07:00

Hey guys have been crazy busy past few days will be back visiting your blogs next day or two promise! And yeah I owe Raaji a tag. ;)

Gone Protestin'

2007-09-17T16:31:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I attended the anti-war protest in Washington DC. I had a great time, it's really inspiring to be in our nation's capital standing up for a cause you believe in. The rally began at the White House with inspirational speakers and then we marched to the Capitol Building where some protesters staged a "Die In" (I did not take part in this). This means some people laid down on the ground as a representation of all the soldiers who have been killed in Iraq so far since the beginning of the war. The protest definitely had a 60's Vietnam vibe to it, and I kept flashing back to the war protest scenes in Forrest Gump and Born on the Fourth of July. Especially heartening was the fact that people from virtually all walks of life attended, so many different kinds of people although representing many different platforms and ideas, having one belief in common, that this war is wrong. Of course there were counter protesters there too, though there were very few of them compared to the number of protesters. I found many of them to be humorous actually, as they were yelling such things as "Say hi to your friend Osama"! "Traitors to our country"! Well, they have every right to express their opinion just as I have every right to express mine. It's what makes this country so great. There are many countries around the world where public protests are not allowed, and to take part in such a protest can mean beatings, arrests, and jail. This is one of the reasons I am such a strong believer in protesting, we are free to do so, and we should take advantage of this freedom, especially in the names of those who cannot.

Here I am with my brother's girlfriend Jess. In case you are wondering, that's Persian writing on my t- shirt with the English translation below, it says "We Will Not Be Silent". We Will Not Be Silent is part of a t-shirt campaign by Artists Against the War. If you would like to learn more about them click here. This t-shirt is also available in Arabic, English, Hebrew, German, and Spanish. Not surprisingly, Jet Blue refused to allow a passenger to board his flight at JFK wearing the Arabic version of this t-shirt. If you would like to read about Raed Jarrar's experience click here.

Many people ask me "Do you think these protests really make a difference Jen"? Well, even though there have been countless demonstrations and the war continues, it is my belief that if nothing else, these protests show the rest of the world that there are many Americans who do not support the war, and I think thats very important. I'll continue to attend protests as long as it takes, and I am not alone.

My Thinking Place.....

2007-09-14T14:32:00.000-07:00

I do some of my deepest thinking here....It's very calming to sit and gaze upon the water. Things seem so simple there...The waves rise and fall with regularity, the lovely scent of the ocean air... I always leave there calm and refreshed, feeling inspired....as if I can accomplish anything I set my mind to...

2007-09-13T18:43:00.000-07:00

Ever feel like your life is spinning aimlessly? Lately I've been feeling somewhat lost. It's like I can't go forward and I can't go backward. I'm stuck treading water. Feels like I'm waiting for life to happen. Some exciting event, meet somebody wonderful. I feel like I'm watching other's lives unfold and move forward, while mine stays stuck in one spot. You think I'd be feeling differently, it's not like I'm not making changes. Signing up for new exercise classes. A creative writing course. Writing a novel. Next month I'll be helping my company open a brand new store. So why do I feel so lost? I'm so good at helping friends out with advice. I'm a good listener, a comforting shoulder, a perpetual cheerleader. Friends come away from conversations with me feeling like "Ah Jen, she's such a good friend, she always listens to me". But it's hard for me to ask for help in return. I always feel pathetic for some reason. I hate for people to feel sorry for me. Sometimes I swear I hear that tone in a friend's voice. It makes me sick to tell you the truth. Some people like it and encourage it for themselves. "Please pity me". Give me a break. Get a life. "You think too much" is a phrase I've heard more than once in my life from various people. I suppose they are right. Tonight I'm feeling very alone, and I've grown weary of that feeling.

Blogging Challenge! Blog Against Abuse!

2007-09-12T13:44:00.000-07:00

Hey my fellow bloggers! Let's do this! Sponsored by BlogCatalog Blog, we are invited to write about putting an end to some form of Abuse. The challenge is to have the most blogs written in one day about an important cause. For more details click here. To pick up a widget click here.

Overdosing on 9-11

2007-09-11T07:54:00.000-07:00

My good friend Amit and I were talking the other day about the upcoming anniversary of 9-11. I told him I was not going to write a blog about it because I felt that the public was already being bombarded enough between newspaper and magazine articles, TV "specials", and so on. And yet here I sit doing the exact opposite.

When I awoke this morning the first thought on mind was the same one I have everyday, my first cup of coffee. Picking up the newspaper at the 7-11 where I always buy my coffee reminded me of the date. When I came home, my next reminder was blaring out of the TV in my Mom's room. Apparently one of the major news channels has decided to rebroadcast the news coverage of the whole morning of 9-11, starting with the first plane crash. Now we can relive those awful moments if we so choose. Another network is showing the memorial service being held at Ground Zero, which includes the reading of the names of every person killed that day. It's too much for me to listen to.

Let's get one thing clear, I do not think we should forget what happened on that fateful day six years ago. We should always remember those we loved and lost. Memorial services are a wonderful way to honor their memories. And we should never forget such a terrible event. How could we? It is already well ingrained in the hearts and minds of us all. What I do not approve of is the tearing open of wounds. What is the point in rebroadcasting that terrible morning? For us to cry and feel wretched? To anger us and remind us of how the actions of a few evil individuals not only changed our nation forever but also marred the reputation of a peaceful religion? Overdosing on bad memories does not help any of us move on.

Over a year ago I was asked by a friend to write down my memories of 9-11 and I did. If you would like to read that post you can click here. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to get to the gym. Time for me to let the past rest again.

2007-09-09T17:59:00.000-07:00

"Imagine" is John Lennon's signature tune which has remained probably the best known song used as a plea for world peace. It is simply written, asking we the listeners to imagine the world as a people united. The anniversary of 9-11 is looming over us yet again,and I don't think there is a song more relevant to the times we are living in than this one. Suspicion and fear rule the hearts and minds of many. People of different faiths uniting against each other, nations being torn apart because of different religious beliefs. Tell me, why is it we cannot all get along? Why must religion be used as a means of hurting each other? In my eyes, all religions should be respected. Differences should be celebrated and shared, not feared or despised. The song "Imagine" proposes a world without religion, which would ideally be a world where people could peacefully coexist because history has shown that many battles have been and continue to be fought over differences in religious beliefs. But we will all continue to worship in our own ways which is right and good. Religion, I believe, makes us strong, gives us something to believe in that is bigger than anything else in the world. I would not propose a world without religion. Having faith is believing in something that we cannot see or hear or touch, and yet we know it is there. Sundown on September 12th marks the beginning of two of the world's major religions most spiritual holidays, Ramadan and Rosh Hashanah. Islam and Judaism, both beautiful and strong religions in their own right, share this moment, and yet at the same time, clash. It is my hope that someday there is peace amongst people of all religions, that tolerance prevails, and mankind indeed becomes a true brotherhood.

Imagine by John Lennon

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world..

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

2007-09-07T18:08:00.000-07:00

Those two weeks together were the happiest of my life. After years of distance, words dancing across a screen, phone calls by which every minute was precious, a voice from the other side of the world so lovely and sweet, I knew I always loved you. That first face to face, private moments basking in what had been longed for all that time apart. Long rides on the back of the bike, the edge of the mountain, near fainting in the Indian sun. Laughing and smiling together, "you're passing every one'"! The taste of your lips, your arms around me, I finally felt safe. Cool winter nights at the coffee shop, speaking quietly of nothing much. Those last few days fraught with tears, the inevitable feeling of never again, the story ends here. Our hands were tied. Saying goodbye, never wanting to let go, but having no choice, and how our hearts did break. I shall never regret any of it, even though things have changed. You will always reside in my heart no matter where our now separate lives may lead us..........

Apparently, I Rock!

2007-09-06T15:24:00.000-07:00

Today I was awarded my first blogging award! Thank you so much Tatiana!

Do check out Tatiana's other blogs as well! Totally Useless and iPhone Gossip

And now I must pass the torch! It wasn't easy to choose with so many Rockin' Girl's out there in the Blogging World. But I could only choose five, and the five winners are:

Saraswathi- I walk alone, learn and observe things in this journey...

Raaji- Writing For Life

Catherine Morgan- Be the change you want to see in yourself

Utopia- Forever Utopia

Nicole Elizabeth- Princess And Her Pets

Congratulations you Rockin' Girls! :) Now it is up to you five to bestow this honor on five bloggers you think rock too! Create a post similar to mine and inform the winners and make sure you include a link to the post! To get the "Rockin' Girl Blogger" emblem just right click on it.

Black and White

2007-09-05T15:14:00.000-07:00

There's something about interracial couples that really offends some people, especially when that couple is comprised of a white woman and a black man. I used to wonder why this is so, I mean seriously, isn't it as simple as minding your own business? Why care what other people are doing with their lives, don't they have enough going on in their own to keep themselves occupied? If only it were that simple. Although I must say that as time goes on more and more people are accepting of such relationships, but there are still many challenges that interracial couples face on a daily basis. I know this, because I have had first hand experience in this matter.

When I was a junior in High School, the new school year started off with a bang. Or a lightening bolt you could say. I was at Jazz Choir practice when I noticed this guy standing across the room in the Bass section. I wouldn't say he was the hottest guy I'd ever seen, but there was something about him. He had a presence. I'll never forget what he was wearing because I found it so amusing. A black Adidas running suit with white pinstripes down the side of his pants (nothing strange there) with a Garfield T-shirt. That cracked me up a little. He had also highlighted his hair a bit on top. Blond. If he had been my boyfriend at the time he had this done I probably would have advised him against it. But still, I couldn't keep my eyes off him. My friend Densie, who was standing next to me butted me with her elbow and whispered. "God Jen, drool much"? Finally he noticed me looking at him and gave me a big smile, looking directly into my eyes. There was nothing shy about him at all. Now I felt embarrassed and studied the carpet for a while. After practice was over, Densie and I started walking towards the hallway when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned, and there was the guy with the same big smile on his face. "Hi, I noticed you looking at me" he said. Oh God! My face was totally red at this point. "Ahhhh....yeah...ahhah" I answered. So embarrassing! "I'm Chris" he said.

Chris and I went to a nearby pizza place and talked for a while. Not only was he very sweet and nice, but he also had a little bit of a bad boy side. He was a year older than me, plus he smoked. He also had his own car which was very cool. We hit it off immediately and we soon became inseparable in school. It was only while we were in school or during lunch period or after school we could see each other because my parents, especially my Father would have gone ballistic if they knew I was dating a black guy. Chris' parents couldn't have cared less, his family was very racially mixed. His cousin had a white Mom and a black Dad, and Chris himself was half Native American. To him, there was nothing wrong with two different races getting together. But to my exclusively white family it was a different feeling altogether. You do not date black people. Period. As a matter of fact, my great grandfather on my Father's was a member of the KKK. So you can imagine where this kind of thinking came from.

Chris and I really liked each other a lot. I don't know if looking back I can say we were in love. But we were very fond of each other that's for sure. We liked each other enough that we didn't allow other people to destroy our relationship. You see, although a lot of the kids at school didn't care that Chris and I were seeing each other, a lot of other people did. And they weren't shy about expressing those feelings either. Plenty of times I remember people whispering behind my back, "Look at Jen and her (n-word) boyfriend!" or walking right up to me and insulting me right to my face. "I just thought you'd like to know that so and so, this guy, and that guy (she named names but I don't think its relevant to mention them) said they would never ask you out since you've been with a black guy". Well, the guys she mentioned were never the type of people I would have dated anyway. So big deal. One time this girl (who was black) whom I'd always been friendly with came up to me and said. "I just want you to know that I don't think it's cool of you to be with Chris, I mean, isn't there a nice white guy for you to be with, you should stick to your own kind." And I remember being so surprised at her for that.

Not that things were easy for Chris either. He took a lot of heat for dating a white girl. Since he was a big guy, 6 foot 3 and 200 pounds, no one was foolish enough to pick a fight with him. Clearly he could defend himself. Mostly black girls would say stuff to him "How can you walk around with that white Bitch"? "You're insulting us"! Sometimes we'd jump in his car after school and drive down to the beach and talk about things, wondering why people just didn't mind their own business, and leave us alone. But we mostly ignored it and didn't let it get us down. Despite everything, we enjoyed our time together. We were together throughout junior year, then we broke up for the summer. We got back together for the beginning of senior year, but Chris wanted to get more serious with our relationship and I wasn't ready for that. We broke up because of normal boyfriend/girlfriend issues.

Looking back, I don't regret my relationship with Chris, even though it was not the easiest one of my life. I don't believe in letting other people's prejudices affect my happiness. I believe that we should all follow our hearts, because our hearts are our guides when it comes to love. I suppose it's easier to follow the crowd, do the right thing, fall into place as we are expected by society to do. But who said love was easy?

I chose this picture of Heidi Klum and her husband Seal to headline this post because seeing them together makes me happy. I have read often about their relationship in magazines and seen them together in TV interviews. They seem to be very devoted to each other and very much in love. It is my hope that their love lasts forever.

What Dreams May Come.....An Afterlife?

2007-09-02T18:09:00.001-07:00

This evening I happened to catch the last half hour of Titanic. Watching Rose's recollections of hers and Jacks final hours together, I was completely enthralled, even as I knew I didn't have time to waste watching TV. The ending particularly fascinated me, Rose dying peacefully in her sleep and ending up back on Titanic to be reunited with Jack and all those who went down on the ship with them. Is this what happens when we die? Are we finally reunited with those we have loved and lost? Is afterlife an eternal reunion of sorts, people we never seemed to get enough time with in life, perhaps a lost love whom you were forbidden to be with be it by circumstance or family disapproval? I lost someone special this way, and we have always joked that maybe we would later be reunited when we are old folks in rocking chairs or perhaps in our next lives.

I have a hard time answering these questions for myself. On one hand, I believe in reincarnation. Although I was raised a Christian, I didn't always subscribe entirely to everything I was taught in Sunday School or Church. I always felt there was something more to our deaths than simply going to Heaven if we were Good, or Hell if we were Bad. Many times in my life I experienced a sense of deja vu, as if I'd been somewhere before, or made a new friend with whom I felt an immediate kinship with, as if we'd always known each other. It is said that souls recognize each other from past lives, and I believe this is true. To me, this makes sense.

However, being a true Romantic, I really love the idea of reuniting with those special people in our lives someday and being able to finally spend time with them. In the movie "What Dreams May Come", you are given a choice when you die. Enjoy the afterlife in the world of your own making, or choose to be reborn again. In this movie, the main characters, Chris and Annie, are a married couple who first experience the loss of their children together, and then Chris is tragically killed. Annie, who cannot bear to be apart from him, commits suicide in order to be reunited with her lost love. After many struggles, they are reunited in their own world, but later choose to be reborn again. I wonder what I would choose in this situation. At this moment, I really can't say.

Although I feel conflicted as to which belief I can say I fully accept, I am happy that I do have such faith in the afterlife. My brother in law is an Atheist, it is his belief that when you are dead, that's it, end of story, that's all folks. In my eyes, this is a very sad way of thinking. I simply cannot accept that our lives with all the joys, heartbreaks, struggles, and victories could become so meaningless at the end. Our lives have meaning, as will our deaths, and so will whatever may come next for us.

2007-09-01T19:32:00.000-07:00

I got the idea for this post from Praveen, who asked how we see ourselves in our dreams. It made me think of two recurring dreams of mine. I'll share one with you guys in this post. I'm including the link to Praveen's post if you would like to read it, click here.

This is a dream I've had several times over the past year, and I experienced it yet again last night. I'm in a room and there are snakes everywhere on the floor slithering around. For some reason, I am trying to catch these snakes with my bare hands. Every time I reach to grab one, it tries to bite me and I drop it. I continue to try picking them up regardless, but am thwarted every time. There is never any end to this dream, it is simply the snakes and I repeating the same useless actions over and over again. The interesting thing here is that I have no fear of snakes. When I was a little girl, my Grandmother owned a 9 foot Boa Constrictor, and I thought it was the most awesome pet. I know that this dream has a deep meaning, but I have no idea what it could be. I wonder what I need to resolve in my life in order to put this dream to rest? Very curious! So anyone who would like to share their own recurring dream, please do!

2007-09-01T18:38:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys, I found an awesome blog that I wanted to share with you all. It's called Be The Change you want to see in yourself by Catherine Morgan. Covering such topics as Dieting, Empowerment, Love, Gandhi, etc theres something for everyone here. Check it out! http://catherinemarie.wordpress.com/

2007-08-30T15:44:00.000-07:00

There are days I think everyone questions their very worth. And I often wonder, what determines ones worth? Is it what we think of ourselves? What others think of us? Is it the kind of job we have? If it's not considered "the right kind", if it seems low level to some people does that make it so? Or are they simply snobs? How about when our friends look down on our jobs? Are they merely being human? Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and wonder "whats wrong with me"? Must be something....Is it looks, personality, character flaw, education, etc? Did you chew with your mouth open, make a mean face? Why must we question ourselves because of others? Many people don't, they just chalk it up to, its the other person who has a problem, not me. How lucky those people are, that they feel that way. With me it is always "Hmmm what did I do wrong, and how can I fix it"? On a smaller level I do believe it the other persons problem, but my first instinct is always to beat myself up. "I'm bad, I'm not good enough, I must be ugly, they think I have a crappy job". I often drive down to the beach where I go to exercise and walk out onto the jetty. I can stand there wondering about things and try to make sense of it all. Many times I am surprised to see that an hour has passed, I'd been so deep in thought. Why am I writing this post? Because my brain won't shut up. I don't want to think about these things anymore..........I wish my mind was just a blank

Lightening Bugs in Jar...

2007-08-27T14:06:00.000-07:00

I had a very simple childhood. This was the time before hand held video games, laptops, and mobiles. Before the invention of "Heelies", those dreadful sneakers with the wheels that fold down so kids can skate around shopping malls and grocery stores, thoroughly annoying shoppers. Long before anyone thought up an electric car for a four year old. Kids today might be inclined to feel pity for such a "deprived" childhood, not being able to live without their modern gadgets. But I look back with fond memories, thinking of all the wonderful activities my friends and I used to engage in that I think a lot of children growing up today are missing.

Creativity was an ever important trait to have when I was a child. Luckily we'd been blessed with it. Growing up on my block the only kids around to play with were my sister Amy, my brother Mark, and my friend Patty. The rest of the neighbors were either teenagers or elderly folks. Neither of our families were wealthy, we did not have piles of toys like my nephews do today. We had the usual dolls and board games, but those got boring after a time. We rode our bikes up and down our dead end street, I loved one bike in particular, a yellow bike with a banana seat which had psychedelic flowers all over it. One of our favorite activities was playing outdoor games. We played Cowboys and Indians like most kids, however being typical Jen I always wanted to be an Indian, and I always wanted the Indians to beat the Cowboys! The craziest game we ever played was "Chariot Race" which I made up. We took an old baby carriage, the old fashioned kind with the high bed and bouncy wheels. Then I took our two dogs on their leashes and put them in front of the carriage. I then climbed in and got one of my siblings to get the dogs moving with dog biscuits dangled in front of their noses while I sat in the "chariot" holding the leashes as if they were reins. We put on talent shows. At night during the summer we were given free reign to stay out past 8 pm, and we spent the nights catching lightening bugs and keeping them in a jar, freeing them when it was time to go inside for the night, playing hide and seek, and other games like Kick the Can and Bloody Murder. Bloody Murder is similar to hide and seek except the person who is "It" hides while everyone looks for him. When you see "It" you scream "Bloody Murder"! and everyone runs back to "Base" and whoever the Bloody Murderer catches is it next time. This game is most fun in the dark, because its more scary to search for "It" in the dark. We also had camp-outs in tents overnight during the summer, staying up til all hours eating junk food and listening to the radio.

Rainy Days meant different kinds of fun. We played with Play-Dough, drew pictures, colored, painted, read books. I used to love to do Latch Hooking, a rainy day was the best time to curl up on the sofa and work on my latest Latch Hook. Sometimes we baked cookies, experiments with food dye were always fun, like the time we made purple chocolate chip cookies. We played dress up, Patty's house was most handy in this department as she had two older sisters and her Mom apparently never discarded any old clothing. We played with paper dolls we drew ourselves and created extensive wardrobes for them. We played School if you can believe that, and one day we even decided to "publish" our own newspaper. We built forts in our bedroom, using blankets to drape over our beds and dressers. During the winter we built forts made of snow, had snowball fights, went sledding, and after we were quite cold and wet from the snow we would troop into a warm house and warm our insides with steaming cups of hot chocolate.

Today, I see my nephews enjoying a different kind of childhood. Yes, kids today still do draw and play outside, they still make up their own games, but they spend time "playing" on the computer, they have a TV built into the back of their parents seats in the car so they can watch DVD's on the way to Target. They have an electric Hummer they tool around their driveway in. They have too many toys to count, and watch far more TV then we ever did. I try not to buy my nephews toys as gifts very often, I prefer to buy them paint sets, crayons and coloring books, legos, Play-Dough, anything that will encourage their imaginations to grow. So many modern gadgets and toys these days, and yet, someday for my own children,.... I prefer the simple life. I want my kids to play games..... and not have so many things....I want them to have Lightening Bugs in a jar.....

One Life, Many Worlds....

2007-08-23T17:27:00.000-07:00

Everyone has different worlds they occupy, I'm no different. Theres my world at my workplace, my second family, complete with annoying younger siblings, mother figure, sisters and brothers, the annoying cousin whom everyone whispers about while shaking their heads. There is a chosen few whom I confide in, and the funny part is that we don't have the need to call on the phone or hang out outside of work. Our world exists entirely in our workspace....and we spend enough hours there together that we don't need to go home and yak on the phone, because our needs our fulfilled during our working hours. Bonding, fighting, advising, listening to each others musings and grievances...We are there for each other when the need arises...Another world of mine is obviously my family at home. My Mom and siblings, my nephews. This was my central world for many years, but as I grew older it became one of many. This is the world I was born into, the one that molded and shaped me, that prepared me for the other worlds I would one day be a part of. There is the world where the friends I hang out with outside of work reside, the world of fun and laughter, of confiding and comforting, of movies and lunches and occasional "girls night out". This is the world that I don't always get enough of because of conflicting work schedules and prior commitments in other worlds. There is my Internet world, my friends whom I met through orkut, blogging, and chat, some of whom I've only seen a pic of, words dancing across a screen, yet people whom I feel comfortable enough with to share my deepest fears and desires with. I was fortunate enough to meet some of these people in person which is a rare occurrence. A treasured few of these friends make the leap from my Internet world into another world, a world where there is more intense bonding, friendships that are tested and sometimes bend....but hopefully will never break. And then there is the little world of our own where no one else goes, because only we are let in. That world although having not been visited very often lately, still exists and will never disappear entirely as it resides deep in the heart. These are my worlds...and I'm grateful for all of them...........

Lago Raho Munna Bhai

2007-08-22T17:04:00.000-07:00

Today I watched Lago Raho Munna Bhai... For those of you who have not seen this, it is the story of a local "goon" named Munnabhai (Sanjay Dutt) who falls in love with Jhanvi (Vidya Balan) a radio jockey, whom he has never seen, yet who has fallen for her only hearing her voice everyday on the radio. When Jhanvi announces a contest which the winner will be invited to meet her in person on the air, Munnabhai is determined to win, even though the contest is a test of knowledge about Gandhi, whom Munnabhai knows very little about. He cheats his way into winning the contest, but when confronted on air by Jhanvi about how he follows Gandhi's principles in his life, he ends up telling her he is a history professor, which backfires immediately when she invites him to her home to answer questions about Gandhi. Knowing he will be found out but not wanting to miss this opportunity to win her heart, he studies for days and is shocked when he receives a visit from Mahatma himself! I'm not going to give away the whole movie here, if you would like to know more follow this link.

What I most loved about this movie was the message it conveyed, how to find Gandhi in our own hearts, and how the way we carry ourselves and treat others in our lives honors Gandhi much more meaningfully than all the statues, memorials, and pictures on a wall. It is in our daily life we may honor his memory which means far more than setting aside one day a year in his memory or seeing his face on currency.

I also really loved Jhanvi's speech when she was signing off the air in the beginning of the movie, I think it spoke volumes of our society today....here are some excerpts....

"For all those rushing around this crazy city...Is this the way we mean to live? Is this the way we mean to die? When was the last time you walked in the rain......You know your favorite soaps twists and turns...but you have no time for your Mother's concerns....Why don't we stop to feel the sand between our toes....Why don't those 108 channels wipe away our woes....In this era of emails and mobiles....When did you last see your friends smile....When did you see your last sunset...When did you see the stars come out at night?....Is this the way we mean to live? Is this the way we mean to die?".....

Enough said...

2007-08-22T15:54:00.000-07:00

Lately my life seems to be a series of rainy days...Woke up yesterday to pouring rain, but didn't mind it like I usually do. Lately I find the rain comforting for some reason, maybe because as it grim as it looks outside, all grey and cloudy, you know it won't last forever..this too shall pass. Went out for coffee and as I was driving felt something very strange about the way my car was driving, got to 7-11 and noticed my rear passenger side tire was flat. Pancake flat. I called my bro's mechanic who kindly sent a guy over to pump up my tire so I could manage to drive it to the shop for repair. I was surprised when I saw the waiting area, there was a comfy couch and two easy chairs to sit in, and too many plants to count. As I sat waiting, a beautiful calico cat rubbed against my legs and made her way over to the sofa, flopping herself down as she proceeded to lick her entire body. I always feel anxiety waiting for my car in repair shops, but not as much this time with the pleasant atmosphere. Even better was the fact that I didn't need a new tire, and I was only charged $15 to repair the hole. It was my lucky day... I also cooked one of my favorite things yesterday, homemade sauce. I really do recommend making spaghetti sauce yourself if you have the time rather than buy a jar....its much tastier. But it does take time, I liken it to making a good curry. Btw I make great shrimp curry as well! ;) Whats my secret to great making great sauce? Lots of fresh garlic, and use only fresh herbs! And the longer you simmer it the better it tastes....the funny part is I do so much tasting that by the time I prepare the rest of the dinner I'm full, because I ate so much sauce! But sadly theres no leftovers left today, my family loves my sauce as much as I do and its already all gone. Went to the gym this morning and I'm proud to say that I am now up to 120 pounds on the stand up thigh machine and 112 pounds on the leg press. My thighs have been my toughest area on which to see results, one of the trainers told me at the gym that most people have one particular part of their bodies which is most loathe to lose weight. He told me not to be discouraged. I continue to walk every night, did 2.5 miles tonight. The rest of me is slimming slowly but surely, and friends who haven't seen me in a while are always shocked at how I look....which is really the best compliment one can receive!

Coral Castle Pics...Scroll Down For Mystery of Coral Castle..

2007-08-21T19:06:00.000-07:00

Moon Pond and Pool

Heart Table

For the Love of His Sweet Sixteen

2007-08-21T17:19:00.000-07:00

Growing up, one of my favorite TV shows was "In Search Of". Every week, Leonard Nimoy recounted fascinating stories and mysteries that always held me spellbound. Did Bigfoot actually exist? What really happened to Amelia Earhart? But the story that was most touching to me was the The Mystery of Coral Castle.

The Mystery of Coral Castle begins in Riga, Latvia, when a man named Edward Leedskalnin had his heart broken by his fiance Agnes Scuffs, when she called off their wedding only one day before they were to be married. Ed was twenty six at the time and Agnes was ten years his junior, which was probably why for the rest of his life he affectionately referred to her as his "Sweet Sixteen". Heartbroken, he left Latvia forever and moved to the U.S., living in Canada, California, and Texas before settling permanently in Florida in 1918. "Crazy Ed" as some of the locals referred to him as, would spend his days riding a old rusty bicycle all over Florida City looking for a particular plot of land. When he finally located it, he began his life's work in earnest, an amazing castle constructed entirely of coral, which the land he bought was rich in.

Ed was a diminutive man, scarcely five feet tall and weighing only about 100 pounds, and yet he singlehandedly cut and handled coral that was sometimes as much as 4,000 feet thick with only simple hand tools. Ed was from a family of stone masons in Latvia and he had acquired some skills working in labor camps in Canada, but how he managed to do this was really quite amazing. When friends asked him his secret, he merely smiled and said "It's really not very difficult". He claimed to know the laws of weight and leverage very well. He kept his methods to himself, although a few people who resorted to spying on Ed so they could learn his secret to cutting and moving the coral later swore they saw Ed move the coral by simply laying his hands over it.

Ed began construction of Coral Castle in 1923, but in 1936 after he was beaten by a gang of thieves who wanted to rob him he decided to move his castle to Homestead, Florida which was 10 miles away from Florida City. How did he move these mammoth pieces of coral? He even managed to keep that a mystery, he rented a truck with the explicit instructions that the truck driver was not permitted to observe him loading the coral onto the truck or removing it. The truck driver would stand a distance away with his back turned having left Ed standing with a piece of coral weighing up to four tons next to the truck, and a few minutes later Ed would call the truck driver to come back and the coral would be loaded with Ed just standing there smiling. In 1940 Ed completed his labor of love, having moved and sculpted over 1100 tons of coral, and whenever anyone asked him why he built it he would always reply "It is for my Sweet Sixteen". He always spoke of her with love in his voice and a faraway look in his eyes.

One day in 1951 Ed put a sign on his door that said "Going to the hospital" and boarded a bus. He died in his sleep three days later. He was 64.

Coral Castle is not merely a fortress, but it is really more of a wonderland. A heart table, telescopes, rocking chair, a moon fountain, all entirely made of coral and carved completely by hand. All for the love of a woman who broke Ed's heart so many years before. Did he believe she would come back to him someday? Or was this simply his way of remembering the only love of his life? Whatever Ed's reasons were, Coral Castle still stands today as a lasting tribute to the power of love, and how those we love can inspire us to do great things.

Heres the first part of the "In Search Of" episode about Coral Castle if you would like to watch it.

I love this...Too Funny!

2007-08-20T18:26:00.000-07:00

2007-08-20T17:56:00.001-07:00

Today was a quiet day for me. I went to work as usual, but since this is Monday, my weekly day off from diet and exercise, I decided to go full throttle and be completely lazy when I got home from work. So took a long nap and then lazed around channel surfing for a while. Channel surfing is really mind numbing, I'm glad I don't do it very often because I wasted over an hour just flipping from show to show. Law and Order, Simpsons, Charmed. Nothing held my interest and finally I just shut off the TV altogether. For dinner I went to KFC and got a two piece thigh and leg extra crispy meal with mashed potatoes, biscuit and cole slaw. Man it was good, but I felt completely sick afterwards, my body is not used to eating such heavy food any more it seems. I had planned on having ice cream today as well but the thought of eating anything else today is just revolting to me, so I'll just plan on that for next Monday. Tomorrow will go back to healthy eating and heavy workouts. Well, its officially my weekend and I'm trying to decide how I should spend it. Writing is of course a given, but I will probably go see my nephews, they've been away for two weeks, and am supposed to hang out with my friend Luisa as well. Keeping busy is best when you are feeling low, too much quiet time invites depression. I'm looking forward to two events I'm planning on attending next month, The Save Darfur Rally in Manhattan and a big war protest in Washington DC. I'm very passionate about both of these causes so I'm excited to be going and expressing myself.

2007-08-19T17:09:00.000-07:00

Today I did something I never thought I'd do, I went walking in the rain. After a long nap, dinner, and tea, I felt very restless. I'd been planning to walk two miles today as my gym closes early on Sunday's and I felt depressed that the rain would keep me inside. Then I thought, why don't I just go anyway? I borrowed my Mom's rain jacket and headed out. I looked pretty silly as its a few sizes too big on me, but so what? It wasn't pouring, just a steady drizzle. As I pulled up to the beach I was surprised to see a baseball game still going despite the weather. Apparently I'm not the only crazy one. As I walked I realized the flaw of this jacket, there was no way to secure the hood, and for a quarter mile stretch it flapped back in the wind so I had to hold it down with my hand as I looked down at the ground so as not to get a face full of rain. But I pressed on. There have been points in my life where my reaction to heartbreak would have been to skip my workout and eat junk food. But I'm not that person anymore, if anything, I'm determined to eat less and exercise harder. After completing my two miles I walked out onto the jetty and lowered the hood of the jacket and stood there for a while feeling the rain on my head and face. I don't know why I felt compelled to do this, maybe I just needed to feel something real. Maybe I just needed to not feel self conscious for once. Anyone who knows me well knows that I despise the rain, I'm the one who runs to her car or hides under an umbrella so as to stay as dry as possible. I stood there watching the rain fall into the ocean until I was as soaked as if I'd taken a shower, then I headed back. I didn't even care how wet I was. Later I decided to proofread through my novel when it occurred to me I've been not planning certain things properly. I realized that I must take each character and figure out their whole lives from birth, astrological signs, food likes, education, etc. I've been doing these things on the fly as they come up in the course of my writing, but I now think this is sloppy work. So tomorrow that's the project I will be working on. It's hard enough to get published these days, so my work must be absolutely perfect. Right now I'm listening to Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, I like it a lot. My life has become very Bollywood these days.....half of my Ipod is full of such music... well its very heart touching I think.....like me.

2007-08-19T09:44:00.000-07:00

Sleepless nights are the worst....Especially when theres crying involved. Thoughts spinning madly in your head, all the what ifs and the questioning of yourself and whatever meager accomplishments in life...its enough to drive you mad. I've been awake since yesterday evening and I feel totally burnt. But I'm still unable to sleep. Too much thinking, and all I want to do is crash. Luckily I'm a master at hiding my feelings at work, no one thought there was anything off about me. But I felt like I was holding my breath all day, and as soon as my shift ended and I left the building, and I finally exhaled, mentally and physically exhausted from acting so damn happy all day. It's weird how certain things happen to us that make us doubt our very worth, and we wonder how could we be so blind as not to see? Especially when we pride ourselves on being perceptive. I guess we all have our blind spots, or else we wish for something so much we trick ourselves into thinking it will happen. Examining myself I realize that I am indeed far too sentimental, as Gaurav is always fond of telling me. People like to tell me I'm a big hearted person and I suppose its a compliment. But I rather think it's a handicap. I think cynics and realists live better lives than hopeful dreamers. Because when you don't believe in something, it can't hurt you......

2007-08-18T22:26:00.000-07:00

Lately I've become a big fan of Keane.....This song really speaks to me.

"Somewhere Only We Know"

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
So why don't we go
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

2007-08-15T14:37:00.000-07:00

http://www.eyesondarfur.org/

http://www.savedarfur.org/content

SaveDarfur.org has a post called "The Genocide in Darfur - Briefing Paper" that's worth checking out...

The Genocide in Darfur - Briefing Paper June 2007 Background …

Behind These Blue Eyes

2007-08-15T13:57:00.000-07:00

Ever just stand and study yourself in the mirror? Do you see deep within yourself, or just the surface features? What do you think when you look at yourself? When I'm studying the surface, I see big blue eyes, inherited from my Father. A big Greek nose inherited from my paternal Grandmother, lips I wish were fuller, nicely waxed eyebrows, round cheeks,( but becoming less rounded these days) pretty auburn hair worth every penny it cost to have it colored. I study myself at different times, and have different thoughts each time. Hmmm.. pretty, cute, ugly, yikes, sweet, hot. It's never the same. Looking deeper, beyond the surface, its also never the same. There are days I gasp at the feelings of sadness or failure. I suppose we all have days we look at ourselves and feel disappointment at who we are. Sometimes I look at myself in wonderment when friends tell me how special I am, how sweet. There are days where I look into those blue eyes and see a stranger looking back at me. Who is this person? When I was a little girl did I one day dream to be this? At other times I smile at the happiness I feel when I look behind those eyes and see the person I am. I understand what it is my friends see in me when they pass such lovely compliments my way. I feel beautiful inside and out. Interesting the complex emotions which can surface by simply looking into a mirror.....

2007-08-13T18:43:00.000-07:00

A recent conversation with a close friend reminded me of my relationship with Eddie, my high school boyfriend. The conversation was about someone close to my friend who married into a family of a very different culture, and the fact that she is having a tough time feeling like she belongs, because while she is being treated politely, she is not being fully embraced by her husband's family. It's been my experience that a lot of people are hesitant when it comes to a member of their family dating and/or marrying someone from a different culture, because people generally fear the unfamiliar. Much of it has to do with not knowing anyone of that culture personally, rather, they rely heavily on lifelong prejudices and commonly accepted stereotypes. Which brings me to the reason this conversation brought back memories of mine and Eddie's relationship.

Eddie's parents came to the US from Colombia a few years before he was born. Like many other people who come to America for a better life, they were good, simple, hardworking people. His Mom worked as a cleaning lady in a hospital and his Dad worked in a factory. When Eddie and I met we were crazy about each other right away, so he arranged for me to meet his parents a few weeks after we started dating. I was really nervous about meeting them, because I wasn't sure how they would react to me, Eddie was the youngest son, his older siblings were all married, and none of them had ever dated anyone who was not Colombian. What would they think of me? Would we get along?

Much to my delight, his parents loved me. Whatever reservations they may have had in the beginning quickly faded when they saw how happy Eddie and I were together. Although I was very different from them, they realized I was a good, sweet girl who made their son very happy, and they soon "adopted" me as a member of the family. I spent a lot of time at Eddie's, and his Mom and I became very close. We both liked cooking, and we taught each other how to prepare our favorite dishes. "Mami" as I was asked to call her, taught me how to make platanos fritas and empanadas, and I in turn taught her how to make pot roast and roasted chicken with stuffing and mashed potatoes. I had been studying Spanish in High School for the past two years, and his family was more than happy help me improve my speaking skills. Often, everyone would be speaking Spanish around me, but I never felt uncomfortable because they would translate everything for me, or they would ask me to try translating so they could help me to learn more. After a while, I understood a great deal of what was being said, but since I had a hard time answering back in Spanish, it turned out that his parents would speak to me in Spanish, and I would answer in English, and we understood each other perfectly.

Not only did I spend a great deal of time at Eddie's house, but I was always invited to extended family parties and events as well. I was almost always the only "gringa" in attendance, but you know, I never felt the least bit uncomfortable. Eddie's entire family embraced me just as warmly as his parents and siblings did. It was really a wonderful feeling. One the sweetest expressions of his family's affection for me was when his brother Willy got engaged to his longtime girlfriend Melonie, and she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. I was so touched by that gesture. The wedding was great fun, but the best part had to be when "Papi" (Eddie's Dad) took me aside after dinner and told me that as far as he was concerned, I was his daughter, and that I should consider him my second Father. Then he gave me a big hug, and I had tears in my eyes because my own Father had never spoken so lovingly to me. It was a very meaningful moment in my life.

Although Eddie and I were not destined to spend the rest of our lives together, the time spent together was very special. Not only because we had been so in love, but the fact that his family was so accepting of someone from a different background makes me believe that other people can learn to accept people into their family who are culturally different. People need to take a step back and try to see, what is it that made this member of my family fall in love with this person? OK, she's not what I expected him to bring home, she's not the daughter in law I imagined, but there must be something special about her. Maybe it's not that easy, maybe the person who is looking for acceptance has to be the one who reaches out to the family. No matter how different people are, I think there is always some common ground on which an understanding and acceptance can be forged. I don't think it's an impossible situation, there is always hope.

Catching Up

2007-08-12T16:53:00.000-07:00

It's so nice to catch up with old friends, especially when you haven't been able to keep in touch as much as you'd like. Life gets busy. You keep saying, oh I'll mail him tomorrow, I'll call later. Suddenly it's been a month and you think "Oh! What a bad friend I am, that's it, I'm calling now"! So tonight I finally called my friend Prady after way too much time had passed. I missed his phone call to me last week when I was napping. It was a really wonderful conversation, the kind when two friends blab excitedly about the latest happenings in their lives, interrupting each other occasionally because you just thought of something else to tell each other. Prady and I met a little over two years ago in orkut, and have been good friends ever since. The only thing that sucks is that we haven't been able to meet in person yet. Prady kept inviting me to come to India, but by the time I finally made it there, he was in the UK! Can you believe it? So now I'm hoping he'll be able to come here, or that hopefully when I return to India in the new year, he will be there too and I'll get to visit him in Chennai. So, I'm crossing my fingers we'll get to meet up soon! Looking forward to see you Prady....hope it's soon...miss you! :)

Rainy Day People

2007-08-10T17:59:00.000-07:00

Check out one of my favorite songs by Gordon Lightfoot....read on for my thoughts)

Rainy day people always seem to know when it's time to call

Rainy day people don't talk

They just listen til they've heard it all

Rainy day lovers don't lie when they tell you

They've been down like you

Rainy day people don't mind if you're crying a tear or two

If you get lonely, all you really need is that rainy day love

Rainy day people all know there's no sorrow they can't rise above

Rainy day lovers don't love any others, that would not be kind

Rainy day people all know how it hangs on a piece of mind

Rainy day lovers don't lie when they tell you

They've been down there too

Rainy day people don't mind if you're crying a tear or two

Rainy day people always seem to know when you're feeling blue

High stepping strutters who land in the gutter sometime need one too

Take it or leave it, or try to believe it, if you've been down too long

Rainy day lovers don't hide love inside they just pass it on

Rainy day lovers don't hide love inside they just pass it on.......

Make you think of anyone in particular? I think we all have at least one Rainy Day Person in our lives...The one you can call anytime and know they will be there if you need them. The one to whom you can tell anything and they will never judge you. They comfort you when you cry, and listen patiently when you rant angrily about your bad day. They rejoice in your good fortune. Not only are they supportive of you, but they tell you the hard truths that you may not want to hear because they care about you and it's in your best interest, even if it means risking your anger or hurt feelings. Rainy Day People are the ones who will back you up no matter what the cost may be. Rainy Day People are few and far between, precious gifts to be treasured. Count your blessings if you have someone like this in your life, and realize how fortunate you are.....I know I do...

Me Good Driver

2007-08-09T17:30:00.000-07:00

Many people have made comments as to my driving skills. I really don't get it, I mean, I think I'm a pretty good driver. To date, I've only been involved in three accidents, two of them minor, the last one resulting in the complete totalling of my car. None of them were my fault. Seriously! But for some reason certain people are uncomfortable being in the passenger seat while I'm at the wheel. My Mom for example.

First let me say that my Mom is herself not a very good driver. Therefore I don't really think she should be judging me. For one thing, she's very nervous. She absolutely refuses to drive on parkways, rather, she will drive a half hour out of her way rather then face her biggest fear which is merging onto the parkway. So whenever we have a family event to go to which entails taking a parkway, as much as she fears my driving skills, she prefers to ride with me. Oh, I almost forgot to mention she has this bad habit when it comes to stop signs, she doesn't believe she has to actually come to a full stop if theres no one else coming. She simply pauses. It's a great way to get a ticket, but to date she's been lucky.

When my Mom gets in my car, she always has this tight lipped smile on her face. Even before I put the car in drive, she's holding onto the door handle. She chatters nonstop, interrupting herself only to gasp, grab the door handle tighter, or accuse me of tailgating. She also feels that she has to point out that we are approaching a red light. I'm not blind you know. But she seems to have this wild notion that I stop short at the last minute. She also accuses me of speeding. I try and explain to her that no one drives at posted speed limit, and you can get away with driving at least twenty miles above it and never get pulled over. To date, I've never gotten one speeding ticket, but she just thinks I'm very lucky. Well, I personally think its because I'm a woman driving an old, nondescript Honda. I don't attract attention from cops. As soon as we reach our destination, my Mom sighs in relief, and she always says the same thing.
"Thank God that's over". Meanwhile I'm rolling my eyes.

Most of my friends don't seem to have a problem with my driving skills. Except for Amit. (You didn't really think I was going to leave you out of this blog, did you hon?) ;) Amit is another story, he already his mind made up, and his cousin Yogs agreed, that women just aren't good drivers. Huh. What a concept. Unfortunately, it seems I proved this point for both of them this past December. I think it mostly was because of our mad rush to catch our train to Manhattan. This particular train was our last chance to get there in time to see the Broadway play The Phantom of The Opera. I had hit some unexpected traffic on the way to Yogs' house to pick them up, so our time frame was already in a tight squeeze when we hit more traffic on our way to the train station. Driving madly, trying to find a shortcut with both of them saying go this way, no this way, I felt ready to scream. Braking hard, stopping short, making illegal U-turns, I would have happily crashed the car in order not to be the driver anymore. Especially when Yogs said jokingly "Please, I want to live to see tomorrow". Hahahaha!!! :) I mean really, I can't be that bad can I? I was under pressure! We were lucky enough to make it just in time to the train station, but unfortunately for me, I had only reinforced their belief that women just can't drive.

While I refuse to admit to being a bad driver, I do admit to having some bad habits. I use my cell phone sometimes while driving. I don't always realize how fast I'm going until I look down and am surprised to see the speedometer hitting eighty miles an hour. (Fifty five is the posted speed limit in NY) Being a lifetime New Yorker I tend to lean on the horn a lot, and curse and berate fellow drivers who piss me off. (not directly at the offending driver, I'm not a fool, nor am I that mean) Mostly I say things like:
"It's a green light stupid"!
"Let's go, some of us have places to be"!
"Move it, damnit".
"Hellooo...earth to stupid guy, learn how to drive"!
And if I happen to have a friend on the phone while encountering such annoying drivers I complain to my friends:
"Ohmigod, can this person drive any slower"?? But I don't get the sympathy I think I deserve, because they usually reply:
"Well Jen, I think you're just driving too fast" As if.

In my own defense I would like to reiterate the fact that I have never been pulled over for anything. I have an excellent driving record, and my car insurance rate was recently lowered again for exactly that reason. So ha! I must be a pretty good driver. Or else I'm just really lucky. :)

Childhood Friendships

2007-08-08T17:47:00.000-07:00

It's so weird how a random thing that occurs during our daily routine that reminds us of our past. This afternoon my brother came back from the grocery store with a package of chicken hot dogs. (Gross!) I wrinkled my nose at him.
"Ewwwww....Why you buying chicken hot dogs, they're not as good as beef." (apologies to my Hindu and vegetarian friends)
"Well, these are are healthier".
"Yeah, well, what good is healthier if they taste nasty"?
Then I remembered my old childhood friend Patty, who was the first person I knew who regularly ate those nasty tasting hot dogs. It's been so long since I last thought of her! She was my first best friend in the whole world.
I was four years old when my parents bought the house I grew up in. And lucky me, withen a few days oone of our new neighbors came by to welcome us to the neighborhood with her four year old daughter in tow. We were destined to be best friends I think, two Taurus girls born the year of the Rat only ten days apart. I don't remember the first time Patty and I met, it was my Mom who would later tell me how painfully shy Patty was that first day they came over, she spent most of the time clutching her Mother's hand and resisting all my overtures of friendship, even offering her my cherished Mandy doll to play with while I made do with the old Holly Hobbie doll I was sick of. However, Aunt Melisse, which was what I was told to call her Mom, was not about to give up on her shy daughter making a new friend, and she continued to drag Patty across the street until she finally overcame her shyness and actually asked to go to come to my house, or wanted me to come over to her house to play. It was the beginning of a long friendship.
I always thought Patty had the coolest house and the best toys. Being the youngest of four children, with two older sisters, she had inherited all kinds of awesome stuff. She had tons of dolls, and this really great dollhouse that her father built, it was taller than us! Their house was a lot bigger than mine, with lots of little rooms, and a huge attic that was wonderful for playing in when it rained out. The rain would beat down on the roof while we played dress up in her Mom's and sisters old clothes, having tea parties with various stuffed animals and dolls as guests. We always had different kinds of snacks at her house too, Aunt Melisse made this amazing homemade iced tea with fresh mint from her garden, slices of american cheese folded over into four pieces and eaten on top of saltine crackers, or homemade chocolate chip cookies. During the summers we had picnics on our front lawns, me with my bologna on wonder bread, she with her abominable chicken hot dogs. To my horror she ate them plain! Whoever heard of eating a hot dog without ketchup or mustard?
Ah, but summer is indeed the best time of year for kids, and for us it was no exception. Evenings were spent catching lightening bugs and putting them in jars, marveling at how they lit up every few seconds.( We were careful to punch plenty of holes in the lid and always let them go, unlike my brother Mark who would smash them as soon as they lit up and yell "Hey lookit my finger is glowing"!) Every summer we would have camp outs in Patty's backyard. Her Father would set up his old tent, and we would grab our sleeping bags, plenty of snacks, a radio, and magazines and stay up as late as possible. We felt so grown up being awake until well after midnight, and sometimes we would go for walks down the street and feel so cool because we were out alone so late at night. Yeah, it was a different time back then, these days you could never allow children to do such a thing without the risk of someone running off with them. How I miss those innocent times.
As we grew older of course our interests changed. Little girls are playing with dolls one day and the next they are buying teen magazines like Bop or Tiger Beat. Discussing which boys are cute, reading articles with such titles as "How To Ask A Boy Out On a Date" or "Which Corey is Your Fav"? I was the first to go on a date, and on top of that it was me who did the asking, hahaha want to see how smooth I was? I called this guy James I liked who was in my class.
"Hi James, it's me Jen"
"Hi Jen"
(nervously) "Um, do you have the math homework from today"?
"Oh sure, it's page blah blah" (of course I don't remember)
(in one breath)"Ohgreatbythewaywannagotothedancewithme"?
"Ahhh, sure"
Very smooth huh? But pretty brave! ;) Of course the next day I called Patty who wanted all the details, did we hold hands? Was he a good dancer? Did I get a goodnight kiss?
Patty and I stayed best friends until we were around sixteen years old, we developed different tastes in friends then, I didn't like the people she hung out with and vice versa. We weren't enemies, we just didn't have patience for each others growing differences anymore.Looking back now, I think that by the time we were in our senior year we may have started hanging out more again if I didn't start dating my boyfriend Eddie. We really were crazy about each other in the way teenagers are the first time they really fall in love, together all the time and not making much time for anyone else. Graduation came and went, Patty went away to school and I went to a local college, so we rarely saw each other unless we happened to bump into each other at the mall when she was home for the weekend.
I don't remember the first or last time I met my childhood friend, but I suppose the most important thing is that I remember everything in the middle. Some people go their whole lives without having that such a special friendship that stands out in their minds so many years later. I think I'm a pretty lucky person in that respect.

Watch This!

2007-08-02T17:21:00.000-07:00

Working Class Hero performed by Green Day

As soon as your born they make you feel small
By giving you no time instead of it all
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

They hurt you at home and they hit you at school
They hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool
Till you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

When they've tortured and scared you for twenty odd years
Then they expect you to pick a career
When you can't really function you're so full of fear
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

Keep you doped with religion and sex and tv,
And you think you're so clever and you're classless and free,
But you're still fucking peasants as far as I can see,
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

There's room at the top they are telling you still
But first you must learn how to smile as you kill
If you want to be like the fool on the hill
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

If you want to be a hero, well just follow me

Made in China

2007-08-02T14:40:00.000-07:00

Dear China,

Hey, how's it going? Just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that right now my sister is frantically going through my nephews' toys because it seems some of them are contaminated with lead thanks to your inferior production methods and cost cutting work habits. I don't want to take up too much of your time, I know you are very busy getting ready for the 2008 Olympics which is sure to be a huge money making opportunity for you. So, how far along are you with the construction of the Olympic Village? It must have been a tough start for you, what with having to evict so many people in order to demolish their homes to make way for the Olympic Village. I read the most shocking thing today, it seems that in your country there are no laws stating that the government has to warn people ahead of time that they are going to be evicted, many times people come home from work and find that their homes will be demolished the next day, and sometimes they come home to nothing but a pile of rubble where their homes were! I guess they are just lucky they weren't home at the time. By the way, you might want to offer better monetary compensation to those poor people, especially since they are now homeless. But then again, so many don't get any compensation at all, I suppose they should thank you for not bulldozing their homes in the middle of the night while they are sleeping.

China, it seems like every time I pick up a newspaper or watch the news I hear some new horror story about products made in your country. In Panama your toxic cough syrup killed over one hundred people! But I really shouldn't be surprised by this fact, it seems that it was only about three years ago that dozens of infants in your own country died from drinking formula that was discovered to have virtually no nutritional value. It seems that whoever concocted this formula left out important ingredients such as iron and zinc, not to mention the fact that it was almost entirely bereft of any protein content. I have never heard of "Big Head" disease before, that's the name you gave to the illness that caused these unfortunate infants to grow abnormally large heads while their bodies wasted away. I can only imagine how the mothers of these babies felt when they learned that their beloved children took one more step closer to their deaths every time they fed them. I certainly hope that whatever the amount of money this saved the company who manufactured this "formula" was worth it.

You know China, I just sat back and read what I've written so far, and I think maybe I've been a little hard on you. I realize it's not entirely your fault. You see, we Americans have been the root cause of some of these problems. We who are so eager to save money. We who complain bitterly when prices on our favorite products rise. We who are so eager to save a buck that we purchase items that are Made In China because they are cheaper than items Made In The U.S.A. You know, we are even buying fresh garlic from you. Fresh garlic shipped all the way from China, unbelievable! God forbid we should spend a little more money to buy garlic grown in Gilroy, California which just so happens to be the Garlic Capital of the World. It's shameful that's for sure. China, you account for one third of all U.S. imports, that's pretty impressive. It makes sense. I have a hell of a time going shopping these days if I want to avoid sending you any of my hard earned money. I just noticed that some lovely jewelry I bought myself recently was made in China, as well as every toy my family and I bought my nephew for his birthday last month. Oh yes, the lead contaminated toys. They are garbage now.

China, the international community have given you a very valuable gift, the 2008 Olympics, despite the fact that you are the most polluted country in the world with one of the worst reputations when it comes to Human Rights Abuses, as well as contaminated food, medicines, and children's toys. That speaks volumes of us doesn't it? Personally I am eager to see what happens as the Olympics draw nearer. It is my fervent hope that there will be mass protests and boycotts. But who knows? It could very well be that people's desires to have a good time will far outweigh their social conscience. Which will work out extremely well for you financially. So glad we could be of service!

In closing, I would like to take the opportunity to invite you to dinner here in the U.S. How about broiled lamb chops with a side order of fresh spinach and red potatoes? Don't worry, the lamb is from Australia and the spinach and potatoes were grown here, so you are sure to not get sick. Hope to see you soon!

Your friend,

America

2007-07-26T18:59:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys, my friend Hemanth invited me to join Cinema - Where Dreams Come Alive, a group blog dedicated to reviewing movies! Wasn't that sweet? I'm excited to join Hemanth, Akshaya, Sriharsha Majety, Vivek Krishnan, Arun Sethuraman, Ashok, and Sandy, and hopefully my first review will be up in a couple of days! Thanks Hemanth, cheers da!

I Love You.......

2007-07-26T10:38:00.000-07:00

Went to the gym as usual today and when I was leaving I saw a cute teenaged couple walking in presumably to work out together. I couldn't help but watch them, they were so sweet, arms around each other, she laughing at whatever funny thing he said while he twirled her long blond ponytail around his finger. As I watched them I felt myself sigh I little, I miss being loved.

It really is lovely to be in love, and to have someone who loves you back. You know if you are sad they are there for you and vice/versa. They are the first person you think of in the morning when you awake, and the last when you lie down at night to sleep. Phone calls, going out to dinner or the movies, or maybe just hangin out around the house. Holding hands when you walk down the street. Laughing at shared jokes that cause people around you to look at you quizzically because they are not really funny to anyone but the two of you.

Kissing and holding each other and feeling like you could stay that way forever because at the time you feel like you are the only two people in the world.

But I think hearing the phrase "I love you" is something I miss the most. I really treasure hearing those words, because you see, I grew up in a family where that phrase was never said aloud. I know my family loves me. However, I always wished to hear it. The first person who ever said "I love you" was my high school boyfriend. "I love you too" I told him, and I felt this wonderful stirring in my heart, this feeling of "Hey look what I've been missing all these years". And we said it often to each other, and I never tired of hearing it.

Hearing someone say "I love you" to me is the most precious gift not to be taken for granted, no matter how often it is said, and my greatest wish these days is for someone special to say it to me and for me to be able to say it back.

2007-07-22T22:21:00.000-07:00

My friend Sarawathi recently posted this great site of online e-books, you guys should definitely check it out if you enjoy reading as much as I do, and while you're at it, check out Saraswathi's blog too, it's one of my favorites!

http://www.bibliomania.com/0/0/222/2445/frameset.html

2007-07-22T22:03:00.000-07:00

Read this beautiful post by Raaji, it really spoke to me!

http://raajii.blogspot.com/2007/07/reason.html#links

Destiny

2007-07-21T18:50:00.000-07:00

Do we all have a destiny? Is it indeed true that everything happens for a reason? These questions have always fascinated me.

Growing up, I was (and still am) a huge fan of Greek Mythology. According to the ancient Greeks, your destiny was decided at birth. When a child was born, the three fates, Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropis respectively spun, measured, and cut the thread of life. Your life, although just beginning was already on a set path, and nothing could be done to change it. This was explored in numerous myths, perhaps the most well known was the story of Oedipus.

Oedipus was abandoned at birth in the woods by his parents King Lauis and Queen Jocasta of Thebes after an oracle foretold that the child would someday murder his father and marry his mother. However, a herdsmen found Oedipus and brought him to the King and Queen of Corinth whom adopted him. Oedipus was never told that was adopted, and when he grew up and heard the oracles terrible prediction for himself, he left his home, determined to alter this terrible chain of events. While traveling, he crosses paths with King Lauis, his real father and kills him during a dispute. He later arrives in Thebes, defeats the Sphinx, and marries Queen Jocasta, whom of course he did not realize was indeed his real mother. Oedipus tried everything in his power to escape his destiny to no avail.

But what of us? Do we each have a personal destiny? Do we indeed make our own futures, or are we merely following a path that has been pre-chosen for us? We could spend countless hours speculating. It is interesting to note how one event in our lives can significantly influence our lives in many ways, set us on a course we never dreamed we would travel. Allow me to use a chain of events in my own life as an example.

Over three years ago, I decided to try chatting. I picked an International chat room because I figured it would be interesting to talk to someone from another country. I received an instant message from a guy from Iran. Iran was a country I knew nothing about, except for negative things I saw on the nightly news and read in the newspapers. I wasn't sure about talking to him, but my curiosity outweighed my hesitation. We ended up chatting for three hours! Not only about politics but music, books, etc. A friendship was born that continues to this day, and I count Amir as one of the people in my life I hold most dear to my heart. It was through Amir I got my invitation to Orkut. (Orkut is virtually unknown to most Americans).

A lot happened in my life after I joined Orkut. I made some great friends, fell in love, and ended up traveling to a whole other country that just a few years earlier I knew hardly anything about, much less would have ever imagine myself going to! It was also through my friendship with Amir that I started questioning the war in Iraq and got involved with protesting the war. Meeting one person by chance set off a whole chain of events that changed my life and had a profound affect on the way I view the world.

Is this how my life was supposed to turn out? Have I been merely following the path laid out for me? Or was this simply a a chance encounter, sheer luck that I made a lasting friendship in a chat room? Think about all the chat rooms that exist on the Internet, you cannot even count them all. Theres a quote from Casablanca that I think makes sense here.

"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine"

I 've always been a hopeless romantic. Therefore, I can say with absolute certainty that I do believe that each of us has a personal destiny. I do believe that everything happens for reason, people come into our lives and affect us in ways we never thought possible, and bring us one step further to fulfilling that destiny. Where is my life headed next? I have no idea, and in some ways thats a bit frightening, especially at this point in my life. I only hope I am destined for happiness.

2007-07-19T17:15:00.000-07:00

Last couple of weeks I have added walking two or three miles at night to my exercise routine. I go to this nice little beach about five minutes from my place. I felt like I hit a plateau for a little while weight loss-wise, and I thought the extra exercise would jump start my metabolism. I'm happy to report it has been a success! Went shopping the other day because I really needed some new jeans, and was happy to have found I've gone down another size. Then I found this great top also in a smaller size, just perfect to go out dancing at a club in, I just had to buy that too! ;) Wouldn't it be nice to have a disposable income, I could have happily bought more stuff, but I was satisfied with the purchases I'd made.

But I digress. Lately I think I've become addicted to, or rather, obsessed with workouts! Gym in the morning or directly after work, two or three mile walk in the early evening. I have been doing both or one at least six days a week. Yesterday I promised myself I would not go walking but when I found myself sitting in front of my laptop again, I felt really lazy and went anyway! Today when I got home from work I felt tired and thought, well, I will have some coffee and force myself to go to the gym. Then I realized I was in fact, too tired and took a nice long nap instead. I awoke refreshed and.....I suppose you can already guess, went to the gym! But in case you are wondering I didn't go for a walk, and it's killing me! If it wasn't dark outside right now I'd go for sure!

What I enjoy about my workout time the most besides the results of course, is the time I get to myself. This is my private time, I don't share it with anyone. My close friends know that they can call me whenever they need me. My cell is always next to me, even in the middle of the night. If you need me I'm there. But I don't bring my cell phone into the gym, nor do I carry it on me when I go walking. Perhaps that seems like a given to some people, but you would be surprised how many people I see staring at their phones, talking on them, or texting while they are on the treadmill or elliptical! Doesn't anyone take a break from words words words? And if they are not busy on their phones, they want to talk to you. I used to forget my Ipod when I went to the gym, and likely or not I would get stuck listening to the person next to me blab about their life, their job, their husband....... please don't talk to me, I don't wanna hear it! Yes, I am selfish with this time, it is for me only. You know what I'm thinking about when I'm exercising? I'm imagining myself thinner!

Sound silly? Well maybe, but it motivates me when I'm struggling along on the treadmill or doing weight training. I turn up the music and imagine wearing all sorts of cute outfits, short skirts (not too short, don't worry!) getting my navel pierced, etc. In the midst of my daydreaming my workouts go a lot quicker! And I forget about staring at how many minutes I have left, I often look up and am surprised that ten minutes have gone by. It definitely makes workouts more enjoyable.

I do think that I need to take more rest for myself, maybe not walk every single day on top of going to the gym, but who knows if I'll be able to commit to that. Right now I feel like I'm getting closer to my goal, and I don't want to jeopardize it!

Mahatma

2007-07-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

When I was in third grade I had a teacher named Mrs. Schantz. She was a very interesting lady. She was an older white woman, maybe in her sixties. Very liberal minded, a fierce supporter of such people as Martin Luther King Jr and Malcolm X. During the sixties she fought hard against segregation, and also participated in the famous March on Washington in 1963. The look on her face as she described listening to Martin Luther King deliver his "I Have A Dream" speech was one of total pride and awe. I was absolutely enthralled by her when she spoke this way, and soon I too counted Martin Luther King Jr. as one of my heroes.

But if Martin Luther King Jr. was the person she most admired in the world, there was someone else who was a close second. I'll never forget the day she passed around a picture of a tiny little man with glasses wrapped in white cloth leaning on a walking stick. She told us that this man was one of Martin Luther King's greatest inspirations and that he led his country to freedom from the rule of the British. "Mahatma" as she referred to him was a great man who believed in using non-violence as a way to achieve freedom for the Indian people. I could scarcely believe that such a small, frail looking man could be such a leader, and he too became a hero of mine. I always assumed that everyone who lived in India also felt this way, and it was only many years later that I realized how naive I really was.

I was in the middle of a chat with a new friend of mine who was from India, when I enthusiastically mentioned that Gandhi was one of my heroes. I was quite surprised by the response I got: "Gandhi? I can't stand him, Nathuram Godse should have been given a medal". "But I thought he led India to freedom"! Was my response. "Oh, you Americans are so naive, just what did you learn about India in school"? "Only Gandhi"? "You think one little man changed the whole country"? And then he proceeded to mention names of people he said were the true freedom fighters of India, such as Bhagat Singh, Shivaram Rajguru, Jai Gopal, and Sukhdev Thapar. No, I had never heard of any of them. This only compounded my friends frustration with me. He encouraged me to read about these people, which I did, and it was after this and viewing the movies Rang De Basanti and Gandhi that I truly began to understand why my friend, and lots of other Indians felt the way they did.

I have a lot of respect for other people's opinions. And although I do now understand why it is that a lot of Indians do not like Gandhi, or feel that he is given too much credit for India obtaining her freedom, I do still admire Gandhi very much, as I now have a lot of admiration for Bhagat Singh and his fellow revolutionaries. You see, say what you will about Gandhi, he was a great man who inspired people all over the world. People like Martin Luther King Jr. who studied Gandhi's use of civil disobedience and applied it to the civil rights movement. People like Steve Biko, a great anti-apartheid activist in South Africa, and Aung San Suu Kyi a non-violent activist in Burma who is currently a prisoner of conscience. What if, perhaps, Gandhi had never existed or had he used force instead of peaceful protest? Would that have changed the course of history? Would Martin Luther King Jr had fought segregation with different tactics? Would Steve Biko have believed that one person can inspire many? These are important questions to consider, and even if it is said that Gandhi is not India's greatest hero, he was indeed, a great inspiration to many other people, and it is for this reason that to me, he will always be deserving of the name "Mahatma".

2007-07-18T07:33:00.000-07:00

I woke up with the idea of writing this post inspired by a conversation with Amit last night.

Before I got hired at my present job, I worked in a hotel restaurant. I was originally hired as a part time hostess. Later I started waitressing. Waitressing was harder, but the money was better. About a year later, the restaurant manager quit and the job was offered to me, I gladly took the job because the pay was pretty good and also because, well, now when people asked me what I did for a living I could answer "I'm a hotel restaurant manager" which sounds a hell of a lot more impressive then "I'm a waitress". I felt this job would come easily to me because I was friends with the wait staff, and I got along well with all the cooks, except for the head chef (but he was notorious for disliking the wait staff). Boy was I wrong!

I was really good friends with one of the waitresses at this time. Jillian and I were hired within a month of each other, and we became fast friends, hitting the clubs on the weekends, going out for lunch. One spring we packed up her car and drove to Canada, spending the day at Niagara Falls, playing the slot machines at the casinos, bailing out of the haunted house "Screamers" because she was a scaredy-cat. ;) I never anticipated that my new position would cause a rift in our friendship.

From the beginning, there were issues. Because we were friends, and because Jillian had worked there for so long, I never felt that I would have to tell her to do her job. It was the same routine everyday. And I never realized that she would take advantage of our friendship in order to get away with not doing her job properly.

The first thing I noticed was she started taking longer breaks. We were allotted a half hour break in between breakfast and lunch, and she started taking forty five minutes instead. I would be helping the bus boy set up for lunch, and glancing over at her, all the while wondering when she was going to get up, and trying to think of nice ways to hint to her that break time was over. I was at a total loss for how to deal with this situation because I felt bad "bossing" her around. Yes, technically I was her boss, but that didn't make it any easier. We had always been pals, laughing together, complaining about rude customers, planning out our weekends, and now we were thrust into this new relationship, supervisor/employee. I didn't like it at all. I don't know how I would have handled this situation if the bus boy hadn't complained to my boss that Jen was letting Jillian get away with breaking the rules because they were friends. I was told that I must speak to Jillian to rectify this situation.

When I sat down with Jillian to talk about the situation I was met with stony silence. I tried explaining that when she took advantage of our friendship in that way, she was being unfair to the rest of the staff, not to mention me. Couldn't she just do her job as she always had before? "Fine" she answered and got up from the table angrily. She didn't take long breaks anymore, but she really didn't talk to me much either, and whenever I tried to make plans to hang out with her she was always "busy".

Things continued this way for a while, we barely spoke, and I dreaded work on a daily basis. Jillian always had an attitude and I noticed she was not only directing her attitude towards me but also towards the customers. Some of them complained about her attitude, and I found myself profusely apologizing for her and wondering why I'd taken this job at all. I didn't talk to her about it because I I don't like to hurt my friends feelings. In hindsight, I can see that Jillian was wrong to act this way and I would have been perfectly justified in taking her aside and telling her to change her behavior. But at the time I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

The final straw came one afternoon a few weeks later. A regular customer ordered his usual fresh fruit platter which consists of whatever fresh fruit we have in the kitchen with a side order of cottage cheese. I was in the kitchen talking to one of the cooks when Jillian came in and went into the walk-in refrigerator, and pulled out a big can of mixed fruit. I asked her what she was doing, considering the cooks are supposed to prepare the fruit platter, and its not supposed to be canned fruit. "This is just easier" she snapped at me. I lost my temper at this point. I just had enough. I started yelling that she was being totally rude to this customer, he is paying for fresh, not canned fruit, and he comes in every week, and always leaves a nice tip. The cook stood back in awe, having never seen me so angry before. She started yelling back at me, and the bus boy, who could hear us yelling from the hallway came running in to try and get us to stop fighting. But Jillian and I continued to trade insults, I was a crappy manager, she was a lazy waitress. Finally I said "You know what Jillian, just go home"! She was totally shocked. "What"?? she shrieked at me. "I said go home you're FIRED"! I screamed back at her. "Go to hell"! she yelled as she walked out of the kitchen. I was upset I was shaking. I went into one of the back banquet rooms and sat by myself for a while trying to calm down, and feeling like I had just lost my best friend.

A few weeks passed. Work was easier now, everything went smoothly,and I no longer felt stressed out on a daily basis. But I missed Jillian's friendship, despite everything that had transpired between us, she had been one of my best friends before our positions got in the way. I wanted to call her so many times but I didn't think she would speak to me, I mean, I did fire her! To my surprise, she showed up at the restaurant one day and said she wanted to apologize. She said she realized she was taking advantage of our friendship, that she felt angry that I had been offered the management position instead of her. I told her I hated being her boss, and felt uncomfortable telling her what to do. She missed our friendship just as much as I missed hers. She'd gotten another job easily and was happier there. The funny thing was that she had gotten hired at this other restaurant the day before our big blowout and had planned to tell me that very day. I was so relieved to hear that!

Suffice it to say we mended our friendship. We celebrated that weekend by going to a new dance club that just opened up, and then out for a late night cheeseburger at our favorite diner. It was great to have my friend back.

2007-07-12T19:07:00.000-07:00

Oversized sunglasses are a great way to hide tears. You can stand on a crowded train without anyone having a clue. As long as you don't sob out loud, and as long as the tears are not the streaming down the cheeks kind, just the silent trickle, easily wiped away before noticed kind, you are likely to get away with this deception. Hmmmmm have been feeling very emotional last couple of days. Cried a few times....Everyone does it sometimes, but on the train is a bit ridiculous...Good thing it was a sunny day....and that New Yorkers have perfected the art of minding our own business, and not looking people in the eye when we are wandering around Manhattan or riding the rails. I suppose I am somewhat lonely. I have been getting some tension headaches as well. No, I didn't diagnose myself, I described them to my Doc last time I saw him, I thought they were migraines but he didn't think so. I also keep getting this pain in my neck sometimes. And I've been more scatterbrained then usual, lost the gas cap to my car today, I left it on top of the hood of my car, was driving down the highway when it sounded like something fell off my car, I glanced behind me to see the cap bouncing merrily along the pavement, luckily did not hit someone elses car. And then on top of that when I bought my train/metro card ticket combination instead of two subway rides I bought ten. Lucky the metrocard is good for three months, theres no doubt I'll have use for, it but man I was upset with myself when I did that. Came home and passed out on the couch, and woke up at 10pm...will most like likely be up half the night...

2007-07-11T20:32:00.000-07:00

Everybody's Changing by Keane

You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same

You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light'cos everybody's changing
And I don't feel right
So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same(solo)

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same

Burnt Teapots and Cold Tea

2007-07-11T18:29:00.001-07:00

So far this year I have burnt up four teapots and three small pots. How can someone accomplish something like that more than once? And how do you burn up said items one day and end up with cold tea the next? It's easy when you are a scatterbrain like me.

Being a tea drinker, theres nothing I love more than sipping a hot cup while I surf, email, or blog. Or watch a movie, talk to a friend on the phone....OK, I admit I'll drink tea all day if possible performing any random act. The problem arises that when I am totally absorbed online I tend to forget about things, such as boiling teapots. Of course you may point out that most teapots these days come equipped with a rather loud whistle. Yes indeed, but let me tell you, that whistle is quite ear piercing and makes me want to scream as I dash over to the stove and grab the pot off the burner and bang it down on a cold burner, thus silencing it. A bad habit of leaving the spout lid up so the whistle would not sound was born.

The first couple of times this worked out fine. Then one day while in the middle of a lengthy chat with my friend Satya, I noticed a burning smell. What the? I walked into the kitchen and immediately saw smoke drifting up from the bottom of the teapot. I grabbed a potholder, yanked the pot off the burner and set it into the sink. The whole bottom was black. Nice going Jen. After a moment I realized I still wanted a cup of tea, so I went into the lower cabinet and scrounged around for a small pot to boil water in. And made a mental note to buy a new teapot when I got my next paycheck. Of course, a few days later I repeated the incident with the small pot, so now I had to replace that as well. As you can guess by my opening sentence, I did not learn from past mistakes.

However, I think having your much anticipated cup of tea grow cold is worse. I look forward to every cup, reveling in the perfect combination of milk and sugar, experiencing that wonderful caffeine rush. A cold cup of tea is always a huge disappointment, because once its grown cold it simply cannot be fixed. Microwaving it destroys the integrity of the tea. So theres no choice but to dump it and start all over again. And then, hey, you've just wasted a teabag! Even worse.

I've forgotten about more cups of tea than boiling teapots. But maybe thats a good thing, especially when it comes to my finances. Perhaps I should think about buying stock in a company specializing in teapots. Or start taking Ginkgo Biloba supplements....is that for memory or is it St John's Wort? I suppose the smart thing would be to just suffer the shrieking of the whistle, and set a timer to remind me to make my tea.

And now if you'll excuse me, I need to go pour the tea.........

2007-07-11T18:13:00.000-07:00

Saddened

2007-07-10T16:12:00.000-07:00

There are many things going on in my country today that are disturbing to me. Sometimes I wonder if I am living in the same country I grew up believing in, or if I woke up in some parallel universe, where everything looks the same at first glance, but when you take a closer look, you realize that something just isn't right. Things are changing, and not for the better. It makes me feel very sad, because there are days where I feel I almost don't recognize my own country anymore.

Growing up, I was taught the America was the greatest country in the world. And why not? Here, we have democracy, we are free to worship however we choose. Everyone loves and admires us, and they are welcome to come here and become a citizen, because after all, this country was built by immigrants. We are the shining example throughout the world. We are a Superpower. We go to war for just causes, not only when we need to defend ourselves, but to "help" other countries who can't take care of themselves. I am the Granddaughter of a proud WW2 veteran. My Grandfather, who was at Pearl Harbor the day it was attacked, always spoke proudly of being on the deck of the U.S.S. Missouri when the Japanese surrendered. Years later, my Father joined the Marines to "fight communism" as he explained it to me. He was sent to Vietnam to accomplish this goal which was never attained.

I believed all of it. I was very naive.

Immediately following 9-11, I became even more sure of these facts. Other countries were jealous of us, because we were so great. "We are the greatest nation in the world". Yes. George Bush has all the answers. We must invade Iraq, find those Weapons of Mass Destruction, capture the evil doers, and above all, be afraid. Be very afraid.

Luckily, I have never been good at being a follower. After a while I woke up and realized that to follow a leader blindly and out of fear is foolish and wrong. I began protesting, asking why, debating people whose opinions differed than mine.

I stopped being living in fear.

But now, fear has been replaced with sadness. Sadness because my country has become a stranger to me. Thanks to the passing of the Patriot Act, the government may now monitor our phone calls, read our emails, and browse through our financial and medical records at their whim. So much for privacy. Our civil liberties are being infringed upon a little more every day. Whatever happened to a little thing called freedom? What will happen next?

Also disturbing is the fact that our leaders are devising more and more ways to restrict the flow of immigration. And you would be surprised how many people seem to think its a good idea, because "There's too many people here already". "They" are taking all the jobs away from the "Real Americans". That's actually a humorous statement to me, because if you want to talk about jobs being taken away, let's face it, American companies are outsourcing jobs like crazy in order to save money. And as for "Real Americans", well, how many people stop to think that that the original Americans who were living in this country before it was "discovered" were virtually robbed of their land and forced to live on reservations by newcomers to this country. Those would be the ancestors of many of today's "Real Americans". Ironic isn't it?

And by the way, our health care system is a terrible mess. But I'll blog about that another day.

I love my country. I am not a hater. Nor am I a traitor. I am simply a citizen who longs to have faith in her country again.

2007-07-06T17:52:00.000-07:00

2007-07-03T21:01:00.000-07:00

Another Tag!

2007-07-03T17:15:00.001-07:00

I was catching up with Steve's blog today and guess what? Tagged again! Happily, I think tags are great fun and I never turn one down. But since the last one was humorous, I will make this one a bit more serious. Hope you enjoy.
Eight more facts about me!

1. I am far too sensitive. Whenever I argue with a friend, I feel really sad! I think about it far too much! There have been times I've laid in bed for an hour or two after an argument thinking of everything I said and wishing I'd said something differently or not at all. I'll worry about it until the next time we talk and then I'm like, I'm sorry, I hate fighting with you, I thought about it all day. Nine out of ten times my friend will say, "You really worried about it too much Jen". Yeah I know, but I can't seem to help it!

2. I love to read! Even as a little girl, all my life has been books, books, and more books. My favorite book of all time is a huge Greek Mythology book which I received from my grandparents for my ninth birthday. I know all the myths by heart, and can recite them on command! :) Every year I looked forward to the summer reading program at the local library, and would often go home with at least six books at a time! I was also an advanced reader and started reading Stephen King and John Saul when I was nine. These are horror novels not written for children, but I thought they were great! My mom would hide them from me but I always found them anyway.

3. When I was in junior high, this girl named Angela used to make fun of me. How I hated her! I used to try and avoid her at all costs, but I was rarely successful. During the summer in between 7th and 8th grade someone asked me if I knew her, I responded by saying, "Yeah I hate her"! And to my horror they said "She was murdered"!. Yes. The police found her body in the woods near the mall. Apparently she was taking a shortcut when she was attacked. For a long time afterwards, I felt very guilty for hating her. No matter how mean she was she didn't deserve that! You know, her killer was only brought to justice last year! It was the brother of her best friend, if you can believe that. At least she can rest in peace now.

4. When I was a little girl I went on a trip to Washington DC. While we were visiting The Vietnam Memorial, I bought a POW/MIA bracelet. These bracelets are inscribed with the name of a soldier, which branch of the military he served in, and the date he went missing. Captain Michael J. Bosiljevac of the U.S. Air Force was shot down September 29, 1972 twenty three miles southwest of Hanoi. He was seen alive by his pilot after the plane crashed and was officially reported to be missing in action. I wore this bracelet for two years, and wrote his wife Kay a letter promising I would wear it until his fate was known. One night, she called me. The Vietnamese government had finally sent his remains back to the US. All they would say is that he died while being held in captivity, years earlier. I felt very sad, as I always hoped there would be this miracle that he was languishing somewhere in a prison and someday the Vietnamese government would release him. But I was also glad his family finally could lay him to rest. I buried that bracelet in my backyard.

5. I am afraid of clowns. Does it sound crazy? They really make me uncomfortable, even Ronald McDonald disturbs me. I also can't stand Mimes. Last Christmas I was waiting on line at the Statue of Liberty with Amit and there was this Mime with silver paint all over his face in a weird suit who was just standing still and moving around with these weird jerky movements. It really bothered me!

6. I love to learn about different religions because I don't agree with the one I was raised. Well, it's a confusing subject for me, I was raised a Lutheran until I was thirteen and my father decided we must convert to Catholicism. I always felt Catholicism was a very hypocritical religion, and especially now that it has been discovered that the Catholic Church has been aware of and hiding the fact that several priests had been found to be sexually abusing young boys for many years. The Church knew of this and did nothing to stop this, they simply moved the priests to different parishes, making it easy for them to find new victims. Tell me, how do you respect a religion when the Elders allow such things to happen? The religions I find most interesting nowadays are Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, and Islam.

7. I laugh easily but it has gotten me into trouble in the past. A lot of times I find things funny and have a hard time holding in a laugh when it is not appropriate. I used to get in trouble a lot with my parents as a young girl. Often, after a spanking, my punishment would be to sit in a chair in the dining room and "think about what I'd done". My brother and sister used to sneak quietly down the stairs, get my attention, and make all kinds of faces and act totally silly to make me laugh. As soon as I started braying laughter my father would come and scold me, and I'd say "But they made me"! "Learn to control yourself" was always his reply. They never got in trouble for this, because I should have been able to control my laughter. But I never could, they were funny!

8. I am not afraid of snakes or any other reptile like a lot of people are. When I was growing up, my grandmother had a nine foot boa constrictor in her apartment in Queens. The snake had complete run of one room, and every time I would sleep over there, the first thing I would do was try to find the snake's latest hiding place. My Mom hated it because she always envisioned me ending up as the snakes lunch! Later, my grandmother and I would go to the pet shop and buy gerbils for the snake to eat. Before I went to bed, I'd play with the gerbils. I liked them, but I also was smart enough to understand that although the gerbils were cute and fun to play with, the snake needed to eat to live. I never felt upset that the adorable pet I was playing with one minute was destined to be dinner a few hours later. To me, it was just a natural part of life.

Well guys so now once again you know more about me. And now who to tag back? How about Saraswathi, Kaylee, Satya, Subha, and John. The latter three are new at the blogging game, this will coax them into writing some more posts! ;)

The rules are as follows:1. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.2. People who are tagged, write a blog post about their own 8 random things, and post these rules.3. At the end of your post you need to tag 8 people and include their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment and tell them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.4. If you fail to do this within eight hours, you will not reach Third Series or attain your most precious goals for at least two more lifetimes

Ok, I broke a few rules. I only tagged five people and not withen eight hours. Lucky I don't believe in such superstitions as rule four!

2007-07-01T17:34:00.000-07:00

It's funny how when people know you are working at losing weight they feel like they have a free pass to comment on anything you might be eating. First of all, too many people still use the term "on a diet". A diet is a temporary solution to a weight problem. Diets have a high failure rate because people tend to eat a certain way until a certain amount of weight is lost. Then, after a while the weight creeps back on because they never learned how to eat properly for the rest of their lives, which is really what should be happening. But I digress. Spotting me drinking my morning can of Slim-Fast one day, one of my co-workers exclaimed "Slim Fast! There's a sure sign someones on a diet"! I was taken aback, and found myself trying to explain that I don't look at it as being on a diet but as changing my eating habits. But it was clear she wasn't interested in listening, she was too gleeful in pointing out my breakfast choice to the rest of the crew. I'm sure if I was eating cereal or a bagel she would have had nothing to say at all. Most people wouldn't. You know, I'm sure if I walked into the break room and noticed her stuffing her face with a Big Mac and large fries and stated "McDonald's! Theres a sure sign someone is looking to expand the size of her big butt", it would not be socially acceptable at all. Not that I would say such a thing to anyone because I think it's mean.

It's not only comments like this that bother me, but also there are those people whom I like to call "The Food Police". The Food Police think it is their obligation to point out every calorie you consume, comment on every food choice you make simply for the reason of "helping" you. Like the time I ate a banana in front of one of my friends who felt the need to exclaim: "Jen, bananas are so high on the glycemic index"! "Huh"? I'm being scolded for eating a banana? It's not like I'm eating a candy bar! You gotta be kidding me! Just yesterday I was at work and we had a wedge of provolone cheese in the back of the demo hut (this is where we cook food to serve to our customers). Now, I love provolone cheese but I don't buy it anymore because like most cheeses it has a lot of calories. I buy reduced fat cheese sticks instead, not as yummy but satisfies the craving. Anyway, I ended up eating a couple of pieces, it tasted so good after not having any in months. Joking to my friend Debbie that I'd better walk three miles later that night in order to work off the cheese I'd eaten, one of my co-workers who was listening demanded to know how many pieces I ate. When I told her she said haughtily "That's like, 400 calories! You better walk four miles"! Thanks! Now the whole store knows how much cheese I ate, how many calories it was, and that I'd better do some damn exercise after work to make up for it.

And then there are those who feel they must "check up" on me and make sure I stay on track. People who ask "How's the diet going, you still on it"? Then they wag their finger at you and say sternly "Just make sure you keep it up you don't want to gain it all back again". I suppose in their own way these people really do care and want me to succeed. I just wish they would express themselves differently.

I am, however, fortunate enough to have friends who encourage me without making me feel bad. Friends who always ask me how I'm doing and tell me to keep up the good work. They listen to me when I'm frustrated and always make me feel better about myself. How lucky I am to have friends like that in my life. Their positive energy outweighs the negative and lifts me up when I'm feeling down. I'm very grateful to be so blessed.

2007-07-01T17:15:00.000-07:00

2007-06-30T19:39:00.000-07:00

I found this in Kaylee's blog and thought it looked like fun. Me, bad girl sexy? Cool! ;)

You Are Bad Girl Sexy

Girl, you are nothing but trouble. And that's hot.
You've got the classic bad girl sexiness mojo going on.
And your badass attitude makes men fear you - and crave you.
Don't give into people who say to tone it down. You're perfect as is.

What Kind of Sexy Girl Are You?

2007-06-30T19:21:00.000-07:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USA_PATRIOT_Act

2007-06-30T18:00:00.000-07:00

I used to enjoy watching the news everyday. For a while, I would come home and immediately flip on the TV and catch up with what was going on in the world that day. Lately however, I can't stand watching it. Reading the daily newspaper is bad enough these days.

Seems like everyday all that is going on are newscasters talking about terror threats or near misses with actual attacks that were planned out but thwarted at the last minute. The past two days have been filled with coverage of the two car bombs in the UK and the attack today on the Glasgow airport. It's a frightening world we're living in. There seems to be so much anger in people these days, to be willing to kill innocent people simply going about their daily life routines to me is unimaginable.

Not only are these people ready to take lives of total strangers, which is deplorable enough in itself, but they are also making life for other's in this world much harder.

Today, more than ever, people of color, especially Muslims and South Asians are more likely to experience racism, especially when traveling by plane. So called "random" security checks which if you ask me are not random at all, considering it is rarely a white person who is stopped for one of them. It used to be we would read in the papers first hand accounts of black people, especially men, being frequently pulled over by the police when driving a nice car, or driving through a predominantly white neighborhood. (DWB became the catchphrase for this action which stands for Driving While Black) Racial Profiling is what we call it, and it seems now that this has been taken to a whole new level, with a new group of people cast in the lead role.

I can't sit here and tell you that I am a frequent traveler and have seen dozens of incidents of profiling, but five months ago when I passed through Heathrow Airport I can tell you that the only people I saw being the subject of "random" searches were people with darker skin than me and accents. I however, being a white woman breezed through, and when I stopped thinking naively that everyone had to go through these extra checkpoints, I was told "Oh no Miss, you go right through". But they stopped the lady with two kids in tow behind me. I guess she more like a terrorist than I did. I looked back and watched them search and wand her while her two little boys waited. I remember thinking, how disgusting to demean someone like that in front of her kids.

But I think it is probably the attitudes of some of my fellow white people that angers me the most. A couple of people I know and I were having a discussion about this very subject a couple of days ago and some of the comments they made really (for lack of a better phrase) pissed me off. I was saying how mad it made me, these "random" checks, especially because of the recent experience of someone very close to me. Who just happened to be stopped "randomly" not once but every time they passed through the airport on a recent trip they took. While some people agreed with me how wrong that was, some of the other comments made infuriated me.

"Well, I think they should profile those kind of people, because it keeps us safe"

"I don't care who gets stopped, as long as it's not me"

"People who fit a certain stereotype should all be checked, anyone can be a terrorist these days".

But I think the comment that bothered me the most was this:

"Hahahha, thank God I'm white".

I think a lot of people forget about Timothy McVeigh, who masterminded and ultimately blew up the Alfred P Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City. As a result of his action 168 people, some of them children, were killed, and 850 were injured. Timothy McVeigh was a decorated Gulf War soldier who was awarded the Bronze Star. He was also someone who looked the boy next door. The white boy next door.

I daresay that Timothy McVeigh would probably be one of the last people ever chosen for a random search these days.

But theres something else that's bothering me too. These people, who preach jihad, who carry out these attacks must realize that their actions cause more people to have such attitudes. And if you ask me they don't care either. It's a vicious cycle. Hate and fear grow ever stronger. More people are discriminated against, more become angry because of the way they are treated. And other people become more suspicious and fearful of those who look and speak differently then they do.

Today, I weep for the future.