A New Hope

An Open Letter To God

Dear God,

I got the idea to write you a letter when I recently reread the book “The Color Purple”, but I think You already may know that. I have been told that You see and know everything that happens to everyone, and although I could never imagine how You do that, I guess that’s just one of the many powers You possess. I’ve been thinking a great deal about religion lately, and the fact that I don’t officially subscribe to a a particular one sometimes makes me worry if this disappoints or angers You. I’ve always felt this way somewhat, but have been thinking about it more and more lately, especially since I’m going to be spending the rest of my life with my boyfriend who happens to be a Muslim. We’ve already decided that our children will also be Muslims, and as a Christian and fellow “Person of the Book”, this is of course acceptable, but what about me? It’s not necessary for me to convert, but I keep wondering if this is the right decision to make. Because you see Sir, (is it proper to call you Sir?) I don’t want to make a promise to You that I will follow Islam, because I have tried a few religions already and never stuck to any of them, and I don’t want to repeat the same pattern. I would like to please my boyfriend Shahid by telling him “Honey, I would like to convert”, but I don’t want to hurt yours and his feelings by making such a promise and breaking it. That is what worries me. Again, I’m sure You already know about all my efforts to follow certain religions, but since this is an open letter that others will read, I will refresh Your memory.

As You already know, as an infant I was baptized a Lutheran. As a little girl my family attended church every Sunday until sometime after the birth of my little brother Brian, when we stopped going. Then when I was in 8^th grade, I was attending a Catholic school when my Father decided that we should all become Catholics, so I took an after-school religious instruction class about Catholicism and was confirmed with the rest of my class in church later that year. Unfortunately, our attendance at St. Martin’s was no better then when we belonged to our previous church, and soon we only went on holiday’s, later not at all.

For a while I didn’t really think about religion, although I never forgot about You. For a while I tried praying every night, but it didn’t last of course. I read the Tao of Pooh, and although I really liked the concepts of Taoism, I thought it sounded like too much work. Later on I read about Buddhism and was again quite impressed and even though I admire the Dalai Lama very much, I knew there was no way I would keep succeed in following Buddhism properly either. I tried to make a plan to meditate everyday but anyone reading this will already be able to guess that this plan fell through also. So after this, I decided that I would never follow an organized religion again because I supposed that I just wasn’t cut out for it, and it was only recently I started to experience those familiar “should I try again” pangs.

Living with Shahid the last couple of months I have been thinking a lot about Islam. He bought me a Koran, and I have “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Islam”. I think it is a very good religion, but I don’t consider it superior to any other. I have respect for people of all religions because, after all, they are all praying to you, they just do it differently. Like I said before, I would like to say I will convert to Islam, but will I really follow through this time? I tried fasting for two days to see what it was like and while I succeeded at it, the whole time I felt like a whiney child crying for a cup of coffee. I know I could not do that for a while month straight, although I really liked opening the fast because I liked that I was sharing something special with my boyfriend and that made me feel good inside. I certainly would not be able to promise that I will pray five times a day, when I couldn’t keep a promise to do it once a day before. But do I really have to do these things to be considered a true Muslim? Shahid doesn’t even do these things, and he was born a Muslim. What makes someone religious anyway?

I know people who consider themselves followers of certain religions, but I don’t consider them to be worthy of example. My Grandmother always considered herself a very good Lutheran but she stole from the school she taught for and tried to bribe me into going to church with her every Sunday by saying she would buy me a car. I know people who converted to Islam and then decided that they were superior to other people whilst being so ashamed of their past lives that they denied knowing people who knew them back then. But they believe that they are very good Muslims because they fast during Ramadan and pray five times a day. It really makes me wonder what You think of such things. How I wish I knew!

I feel that this letter has left me with more questions than answers. The bottom line is this; if I decide to convert, and I already know that I will not follow Islam so perfectly, how will I be considered a true Muslim? Although Shahid is not a strict Muslim, he was born one, so he has no such issues. Is it correct to convert and say “I’m a Muslim” and then have someone say “Ah ha, but do you pray five times daily, did you fast” and when I reply no won’t they say “Then how can you say you converted”? I know there are people in Shahid’s life who would love to hear that I converted, and who think I should, and in a childish way that knowledge keeps me from converting also because I don’t want them to say gleefully ‘Oh, I knew she would do that” or “She’s a good girl to convert, now I consider her a sister”. I don’t need that kind of validation from those people, I’m not trying to impress or prove anything to anyone. And if I did convert, I would not consider giving up celebrating Christmas. The holidays have always been one of my favorite times of year. So will I be considered a true Muslim?

Do I have to pick a religion to please You, or is the knowledge that I believe in You and put so much thought towards Your feelings that You are already satisfied? I don’t know where to find that answer. But one promise that I will make You that I will never break, is that I will continue to think about these things. Hopefully soon we will both have our answer. Thank you for listening.

Love,

Jennifer

I miss my friend.....

Haunted

****Warning: This is a whiny crybaby post, if you are not in the mood for that, skip down to the next one*****

Sometimes I really wonder about myself. The kind of person I am, the things I say..........I think I should learn to keep things to myself more, my big mouth and my need to say what I'm thinking have gotten me into trouble more times then I can say or damaged a friendship that means the world to me. Sometimes I hold things inside for a while because I know it will cause a problem, or hurt or piss someone off. But after a while I get tired of keeping secrets because those thoughts gnaw at me, I hear those thoughts whispering in my ear until I can no longer bear it. Sometimes it's a good thing, but more often than not it blows up in my face. I wonder if I am really a bad person inside? I think it could be true, I can be a bitch, I hold grudges, I give into petty jealousies, I am selfish at times. I suppose we could all write such a post on a day such as this, dark and depressing, the rain streaming down the window and flooding the streets. What is it about the rainy days that make me more prone to self loathing? I am just wallowing in the aftermath of my own stupidity, wondering how I've managed to do it yet again. Waiting for the phone call or email, being now to proud to pick up the phone whose ring is acknowledged less and less these days. Do all good friendships eventually fizzle out? Does one friend grow tired of the other first and start distancing himself? Or does life just get more busy sometimes, so much going on in life theres less time? Is it just a bump in the road of friendship? Seems more like a big pothole. I'm so confused these days trying to figure things out, all these thoughts and feelings jumbled inside my head. I wonder about the choices I've made. I guess Poe said it best:

"Can you tell me where I am
Won't you say something
I need to get my bearings
I'm lost
And the shadows keep on changing
And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head"

No Car, No Problem

I have to say I love not having a car anymore. In the past two and a half months I'v lived in Queens I've become quite accustomed to the NY transit system. Every morning I hop on the F Train, put my feet up, and sip my coffee while someone else does the driving. No traffic, no searching in vain for a parking spot. Love it. I admit to being a bit spoiled, because I work the 4 am shift, I usually get an empty subway car, save for the random drunks and homeless people, but usually they are fast asleep. When I go out at night, I'm horrerfied by the crush of people smashed into the cars. There's barely a free pole to hold onto, and although at every stop people get off seems like twice as many get on. I'm so glad I don't have to face that on a daily basis.

The best part about not having a car anymore is that I get so much more exercise. I believe having a car makes the best of us a bit lazy. I got my first car when I was eighteen and it was only when I got rid of it a few months ago that I realized there have been so many places I could have easily walked to that I'd become accustomed to driving to instead. A cup of coffee, groceries, a pedicure. All those things used to require a car. Now I just walk there or jump on the train. To challenge myself I force myself to walk even more than I have to. Every morning I walk 12 city blocks to the F train, bypassing the bus and the local 7 train that could bring me there in a matter of minutes. After I get off the train, I walk twenty minutes to my job, even though I walk past several bus stops that could get me there in half the time. Health-wise it's defintely paid off for me, I've lost more weight and feel healthier than ever. I really do encourage anyone reading this post to just get out and walk more. That coffee shop is only a few blocks away. Walk there. Do you really need to drive ten minutes to save ten? Walk for twenty minutes. You'll feel great.

My Dear friends,

Sorry I was away for so long, it wasn't very nice of me to stay away for so long with no word. I was not only silent in my blog but very quiet online altogether as well. Why do you ask? I don't really know. It's not that I care about my friends less or don't wish you guys to be part of my life anymore. It's almost like I needed a break of some kind in order to pursue something else in my life. As many of you who know me solely from faithfully reading my blogs or from our friendships outside of this space I have long been searching for love and a relationship with a definite future. Security. Love everlasting. I've for so long yearned to have a relationship which is moving forward towards the goal of marriage and children. That is what I have been focusing my attentions on whilst I've been away. Building a lasting loving relationship is never easy. Love, no matter how quickly it is realized is always riddled with challenges. Obstacles which need to be overcome, especially when two people from totally different cultures fall for each other. No matter how "Americanized" someone from another country may seem, deep in their heart they are still the child of that country, with certain beliefs and ways of thinking. And no matter how "Open minded" to different cultures the other person believes she is, she too has her own beliefs and expectations. If two people are meant to be together, they will be, but they still have to work extra hard in order to find that middle ground where both will feel satisfied. Factor in meddling friends and nasty ex girlfriends and things are ever tougher. I'm happy to report that throughout all the struggles and the tears, this relationship seems to be heading right where I wish. "Think about moving in together" was the latest thing I've been asked and I am thinking seriously about it. I'm strongly leaning towards yes.

Besides this, I have made some other lovely friends in my life. My room-mate/friend Nausheen and I have become very close, sharing dvd's, cds, sugar, milk, eggs. Going out on the weekends to dinner, movies, getting our eyebrows threaded. Laughing as we trekked all over the lower east side of Manhattan looking for a movie theatre that doesn't seem to exist. And I also made a new friend in Tracie, one of the artists who works in my store. We mostly hang out on Thursday's at this little bar in Alphabet City bitching about work, and trading stories about our pasts over a few rounds. It's a fun way to spend a few hours.

Well friends I managed to catch you up a bit on my life. I promise to not stay away so long again. And now its time for me to catch up with you guys......

Your friend,

blue eyed girl

Night of the Meek...A Christmas Story

The following story is an account of one of my favorite episodes of the Twilight Zone.
Henry Corwin is an unemployed alcoholic who once a year dons a Santa Claus suit and patiently listens to the Christmas wishes of small children who believe him to be the bearer of wonderful gifts. Henry, who lives in a tenement neighborhood filled with children of poverty finds himself disenchanted with the attitude of Christmas shoppers who do not realize there is more to Christmas then the simply pushing through the aisles of department store and spending money so frivolously when there are so many people in the world who have nothing. His empty life coupled with the the wistful longings of the poor children in his neighborhood who ask him for toys, and “please Santa, a new job for my Daddy” makes him wish that just for one Christmas that he could see “Some of the hopeless ones, and the dreamless ones just for one night, see the meek inherit the earth”. Much to his surprise, this year his wish comes true.

While walking dejectedly down the street after being fired from his department store Santa job, he hears the sound of sleigh bells, and comes upon a mysterious sack which at first appears to be filled with tin cans, and then magically is filled with gifts. Special gifts, which are later to be revealed as the heart's desire of anyone whose path Henry crosses that night. Joyfully he strides through his neighborhood happily giving every man, woman and child whatever it is they wish. At the stroke of midnight, the last gift is given out and the sack is now empty. A good friend of his whom was lucky to have received his heart's desire of a new pipe and smoking jacket comments to Henry “Nothing for you this Christmas, not a thing”. Henry’s reply is “Oh I can’t think of anything I want, I think I’ve had the nicest Christmas since the beginning of time being the biggest gift giver who ever lived…..although if I could have just one wish, I’d wish I could do this every year”.

A few minutes later as he is walking home he comes upon a sleigh, with eight reindeer waiting for him, along with an elf who is very pleased to see him. "Well Santa, I've been waiting quite a while for you, we have a lot of work to do for next Christmas, shall we go"? Henry's own hearts desire is then fulfilled as he hops into his sleigh and rides off into the night sky, knowing that he indeed will get to be the biggest gift giver that ever lived every year. What I love about this story is the reward given to Henry for being truly selfless, finding joy and fulfillment in simply making others happy. To me, this should always be the true message of Christmas, it is not about what we will get this year, but what we give to others, and the happiness it gives us.

Hey my dear friends....sorry I have been away and unable to keep up with your blogs...I am in my new place but we unfortunately do not have internet yet....hopefully sometime this week I will be back online and able to use the net at my leisure....I know I have a lot of reading to catch up on with all of you! Hope to see you guys soon! :)